How do you explore the concept of tough love with a family member whom you long to be close to, but they cut you off time and again? Cruel things are said to you, their lifestyle choices hurt you and others. And yet they don't seem to realize it or if they do, they don't really care. You want them to get help and when you reach out to help them, you feel as if you are slapped in the face. Instead they want help on their terms and you know that if you reach out and do it on their terms, you are only enabling them and not helping them in the long run at all. It's a difficult situation to be in. One that I keep finding myself in recently.
Love isn't supposed to be manipulative, greedy, and self-seeking. When someone you love is treating you this way, they can say they love you until they are blue in the face. You don't really believe them though. That's not love. I don't quite know what it is, but I know what love looks like and that certainly is not it. Love isn't just some words you say to someone. It's the selfless actions you commit for them, longing to bring a smile to their face. It's being there for them no matter what is going on in their lives, walking through it with them, laughing with them, and crying alongside them. You glory in their successes and you comfort them through their failures and weaknesses.
Love is not throwing the past in some one's face. It's not harping on the same old sob story year after year and doing nothing to fix the situation and be with the person in the present. It's not where you can just do whatever you want and believe it won't hurt those who love you. Love is not pointing out the other person's faults and never owning up to your own mistakes. Love is saying I'm sorry at a moment's notice. It's dropping everything to be with the other person in their time of need. It's being concerned enough to ask how someone is doing. Love is sacrificial and it's hard and it hurts.
Love hurts. I can't hate the person who has hurt me so much, because then I get bitter and that only poisons my heart. But what do you do when the person keeps hurting you over and over again? I am finding sometimes that means cutting ties with the person. I don't hate them, but I am tired of being used and manipulated and lied to. There is only so much I can take. And maybe no one has ever really tried tough love on this person and maybe that's what they really need.
It definitely isn't easy. I keep going back and forth wondering if I am being a horrible Christian by agreeing to not talk to them unless they fix their lifestyle. I would love to have a relationship with them, but I have tried everything I know to do in my power and it hasn't worked. It hasn't worked, because they don't seem to care or want to. I keep praying for the person and hoping they come around, but also know that I need to probably stick to my decision if they don't. Because in the long run, letting that person treat me that way isn't really helping me or that person. It is only making me more frustrated and battling against my spirit more often. Perhaps I can pray for them more easily this way. If I can remove myself from the hurt and anger, I may do more good praying than I am at present.
So while it can be hard to administer tough love to someone, sometimes that's what it takes. I pray that this person can see the error of their ways one day and turn to Jesus. I definitely don't know what I would do without Him and this person so desperately needs Him. Lord, help heal my aching heart once again and help me see this person through Your eyes. May they come to see Your face one day before it is too late. Amen
