Hope Even After a Betrayal

I was supposed to be doing wedding planning now for early next year. It's when we were going to tie the knot. I had a lovely fiance and I loved him completely. Until the day about 3 months ago when he called me and said the four dreaded words to anyone in a relationship: "We need to talk." 

This was not just some passing fling or high school romance. We weren't just dating, we were engaged. And get this, we had been together for 5 years and engaged for 4. We had to wait for the wedding due to school. I trusted my heart completely to him and he broke it. 

At first, I was in shock. And then the pain hit me like a crashing tidal wave. When you have been with someone for this long and are committed this much, it definitely is unexpected to have a break-up. Not now after all you two had been through. 

I begged him to come back. I thought for some reason that everything would just be better if he changed his mind and decided to work it out. To be honest, I just didn't want to deal with the pain. 

At first I clung to the false hope that he would come around and call me back saying how sorry he was. And I would have been a fool and taken him back just like that. Why? Because I loved him.  And even though he wounded me like no one else ever has, I still love him. 

Yes I hate what he did. And I get angry at him. I deal with feelings of betrayal, hurt, and frustration. So yes I still love him, but it's not the same. 

When I think of him, I no longer feel a joy in my heart and have a smile on my face. Instead I usually cry, because of the pain he inflicted on me. And a lot of times I pray for him. Because I know he needs it and I know I need it. Because if I don't, I know I will get bitter. And I can't let that happen.

In all of this, God has poured out such great grace on me. Just as He always does. I have come to grips with my shortcomings and failures. I have realized how us getting married the way we were would probably have been a mistake. Does this mean I understand why he did what he did? Or condone how he did it? No way.

 I do know that God allows things to happen to accomplish His bigger plan. And apparently he and I together were not part of that plan. I don't regret us being together, because I learned a lot. But I do regret some of my decisions. Thank God for His forgiveness and grace. Without it, I would be so lost.

I don't think that what he did was right. The way he went about it was wrong. It should have been done in person and he should have told me a lot sooner. But then again, there are a lot of things I should have done as well that I didn't do. So am I going to keep focusing on that? No. Instead I am just going to let His blood wash over all of it and move on. 

The thing is Jesus knows what it's like to be betrayed by someone He loves. Judas Iscariot betrayed him with a kiss in the Garden of Gethsemane. And in a way, I was betrayed with a kiss too. No I was not going to die for the sins of mankind, but I now really know what it must have felt like for Jesus.

I think I am just now starting to realize what it is to be single again. I haven't been single since I was 18 so it takes some getting used to. It's not all bad. Especially when you have friends that are single too, who can share with you in this stage of life. And I am drawing closer to Christ, which is great. 

So I definitely did not see my life turning out this way at all. It's painful and I hate it. But sometimes you just have to embrace the pain and wait it out. Maybe God just really wanted to get my attention. Heaven knows He's got it for sure now. 

I get discouraged sometimes, being back in the waiting period, but I know God has a plan. And it will come about in His time. I am anxious to see what He is going to do.

A Song for Sunday: "Walk on the Water"

"You look around and staring back at you. Another wave of doubt. Will it pull you under? You wonder, what if I'm overtaken? What if I never make it? What if no one's there? Will you hear my prayer?" 

Those lines are the first verse to the Britt Nicole song "Walk on the Water". It goes on to say "When you take that first step into the unknown, He won't let you go. So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose? Your insecurities, they try to alter you. You know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move. Your faith is all it takes and you can walk on the waters too." 

Ever been there? The place where you are standing on the shore and God is calling you out to walk upon the waters. And the questions and doubts are raging through your mind. You're scared and you feel so small and insignificant.  Oh yeah, I have been there plenty of times. 

Everyday I have to ask myself if I am going to play it safe and stay on the shore or if I am going to take that first step out onto the water. Unfortunately many times I choose to play it safe and I miss out on so much. But on the rare occasions, when I decide to take that step out onto the waters, I am transformed and renewed. 

How much could we accomplish for Christ if we just chose to walk by faith out onto the waters every single day of our lives? How many lives could we change? How many people could we touch? These are the questions that I should be pondering as I stand on the shore and look out upon the water. 

I shouldn't let the what if's and the doubts get to me. But I do. I get scared and discouraged and I give up rather than place my life in His hands and go to where He is calling me. There is so much God wants to use me for and I stand on the shore rather than follow His leading and see what He has in store.

 It's the unknown and it scares us. We like to know what's coming up ahead. We hate it when we are called to step out in faith, not knowing what is going to happen. We think it would be better if God laid out the game plan to us. But He calls us to step out in faith and fully trust Him, even when we don't know what is going to be beyond that next wave. 

Are you willing to step off the shore today and out onto the water, fully knowing that you don't know what is going to take place? I hope you are and I hope I actually do it, instead of just saying it. We can all find comfort in the promise that He won't let us go. Let's take that first step and just see what God will do.

When The Tears Won't Stop...

I come home after a long day of working with kids, I am alone in my room and I start to think. Dwelling on what has occurred in the past couple of months in my life. And then the tears come. I can't stop them; they seem to overflow out of my broken heart and through my eyes. 

I spend the whole day with friends talking, laughing, and having a great time. And yet almost the moment I am alone my mind goes back to almost 3 months ago when my life was turned upside down. And the tears come again. People told me it would get better with time. And it's starting to. I am crying less. But I am still crying.

I still don't think there has been a full day that I haven't cried over the situation since it occurred. And yet some days, I only cry for less than a minute. I suppose that's a start in the right direction. And I am starting to cry again over other things and not just that. The stuff I always cried about before is creeping back into my thoughts. I find that I am alright with that. 

I am definitely not 100% yet. I have my moments. Good ones and not so good ones. Times when I am put together and times when I break down and I am a mess. I act like it's going great with just about everyone. Like I am okay with how things have turned out. But I'm not. 

A lot of times I just want things to go back to the way they were before. I just want the pain to go away forever. I want the events reversed and I want to start over. And yet it doesn't work like that. I find myself almost feeling selfish for even wanting that. Because, I know that God is doing a work in me. A work that needs to be done in order for me to be all He wants me to be. 

He has opened my eyes to how things really were and how easily I was blinded. He has opened my eyes to who I really was and that's the hardest thing. To come face to face with my prideful, selfish, disobedient self hurts. To think that I failed God cuts me to the core. And I cry all over again. 

 He has shown me that even though the change is painful, it was necessary. Am I actually admitting that? This pain is a piece of the puzzle. It's a part of His master plan. I don't understand it, by any means. But He does. And that's all that matters. 

I am walking through the valley, but I think I am beginning to see the other side of it. This doesn't mean I am going to stop crying. The tears still come. And yet I always know where to turn when the faucet is turned back on. I immediately go to my Savior. The one who died for me, who sweat drops of blood for me, and who cares about me so much that He holds my heart. And it's there that I find beauty even through the tears. In His Arms.

I don't know what struggles you go through, reader. I don't know if you are on a mountain top right now in your life or in a valley. If you aren't in the valley right now, you remember a time when you were. You get discouraged, fearful, and sad sometimes too. And sometimes things happen to you that just bring on the tears. Don't try to hold them back. But let them wash over you just as His blood washed away your sins. And remember that Jesus Christ opens up His arms for you. He is your comforter, your shelter, and your shield in the storm. Go find beauty in the tears.

A Song for Sunday: The Love of God

As we come near to Easter and remember the sacrifice Christ made for us on the cross, I am beckoned to pause and reflect on the great love of God. It's an unconditional type of love that hinges not on my performance or anything I could say or do. It just always is. It's always there and it knows no bounds or limits. That's the love of God that is talked about in the hymn "The Love of God". 

I have grown up singing this song in church and I love the third verse especially. It states "Could we with ink the ocean fill,and were the skies of parchment made,were every stalk on earth a quill,and every man a scribe by trade;To write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry; Nor could the scroll contain the whole,though stretched from sky to sky."

The ocean is so vast and huge. And yet were we to try to write all about the love of God it would drain the very ocean dry. This love is something that is way more than anything I could ever imagine or comprehend. He loved us so much he sent his Son to die for us so He could provide a way for us to live eternally with Him. He couldn't stand the thought of eternity without us, so He bridged the gap between us and Him with His Son. 

I can't know love without knowing God, for God is love. This love is overwhelming and incomprehensible. It's hard for me, a mere mortal, to even put it into words. And yet it's so beautiful and satisfying. If all else fails, I always know I will have the love of God. 

A Song for Sunday: It Is Well with My Soul

Today I am going to be focusing on an oldie. It's a hymn that is pretty well known throughout the world and has always been one of my favorite songs. Sure the language is a bit like the King James Bible and can seem outdated and archaic. But I think it's absolutely beautiful. Then again, this is coming from the girl who loves Olde English and enjoys reading works using this style of text. However, the message from the hymn "It Is Well with my Soul" is not outdated at all. It's one that stands true throughout the test of time.

The first verse of the hymn is what truly captures me. "When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul."  These lines start out this famous hymn and remind me of a Bible verse I have committed to memory. 

Philippians 4:11-12 state " Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need." And this is my prayer. That in everything I am content. Because no matter what happens it can be well with my soul.

When everything seems to be going right and the river of peace is flowing through my veins, it is well. When sorrow takes me by surprise and I am carried away with grief, it is well. On the mountain top where the sun always seems to be shining, it is well. And in the valley where it doesn't seem to stop raining, it is well. 

Throughout all the joys and sorrows of life, God is still teaching me that in everything it is well with my soul. Because as Philippians 4:13 states, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." This does not mean everything I decide to do will be blessed. It means that whatever comes my way in life, I will be able to get through it with Christ. For without Him I am weak, but with Him even my weakness is made strong.  Because of this, I can find joy in all circumstances. Because of this, I can truly say "It is well with my soul."

A Song for Sunday: I am Washed by the Water

Ever feel like life's storms just won't let up? You know the Lord said there would be valleys you would go through, but you feel like you are going through more than your share. Sometimes it's as if everything keeps happening one after the other and it leaves you feeling broken, empty, and scared.You keep praying for the sun to come back in your life, but the rain continues to fall and you look up wondering what the Lord is trying to do.

Even when it feels like you are going to drown, know that the Lord has a purpose and plan for everything that happens in your life. Yes this includes the good, the bad, and the ugly. We can't take the roses without the thorns and we can't expect all sunshine and no rain. And we should not think of rain as just a light drizzle. It may come as a hurricane or some terrible storm. Yet the Lord promises to "work all things for good for those who love him" (Romans 8:28). 

These lines come from the chorus of the popular Christian song "I am Washed by the Water" from Needtobreathe.  It speaks of how God can cleanse us and make us new even through the raging storms of life.  So the rain may be falling, the floods in your life may be rising, and the storm may be raging. And yet God may be using all of these to wash you. You may not understand what He is doing, but just trust Him. For He does know what He is doing and sometimes He knows we just need to be washed by the water.

The Fountain of Living Waters

When I hear the word fountain, I think of something beautiful and pristine. The Lord refers to Himself in His Word as the fountain of living waters. He promises that those who come to drink from this fountain will not come up dry and empty, but with a cup that overflows. 

Jesus met the Samaritan woman at the well and in John 4:14 declared to her "but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing into everlasting life."

There's the word fountain again. Not only is the Lord referred to as a fountain of living water, but we can become a fountain by Him coming to dwell in us. What a beautiful picture. And yet how many of us come to the well to draw out water with holes in our cups, hoping that somehow we will be filled? I know I am guilty of doing such. 

Hold on a minute, you may think. Jesus promises us that we will have water springing into everlasting life in John. While this is true for salvation, for our continual walk with the Lord there are times we can come up dry when we come to His well. This is not because He does not provide us living waters or wants to hold back something great from us. It's usually because He has revealed something we need to make right and we have not heeded His voice. 

Jeremiah was a weeping prophet that spoke the word of the Lord to the nation of Israel of how they had forsaken God. Because of this, God was going to bring judgment on them. The Lord declared in Jeremiah 2: 13 "My people have committed two evils: They have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, And hewn themselves cisterns-broken cisterns that hold no water." The nation of Israel knew what they were supposed to do. The Lord had instructed them in the way to go. But they ignored God's guidance and instead made themselves broken jars to bring to the well.

The people of Israel would soon discover that their best efforts at being filled would fail. They could not come to the fountain of living water and expect to be filled on their own terms when they wouldn't even listen to God in the first place. That's not how it works. In order to come to the well and have your cup overflow, you must be willing to come on His terms.

Salvation is promised to us and it's a free gift, but having the transforming work of the Holy Spirit active and truly effective in our lives is up to how we respond to His calling. I have been through this many times in my walk with Christ. The Holy Spirit is grieved within me for something I have done wrong and I know what it is. However, instead of making it right I make excuses and try to go on like it never happened. I keep wondering why I am not being filled with His living water and why I keep coming up dry every time I come to His Word.

And then because I have not heeded His gentle warnings, I get whacked with the truth of why I am coming up empty. It's because I refused to do what I knew was right and I tried to come to the well on my own terms with this sin in my heart. Christ wants us to come to the well, washed of our sins, and ready to act on what He calls us to do. God isn't going to speak something new to you if you are not listening to what He has already told you. 

So when you need to, go to the cross, lay down your pride and surrender your sin. Then when you have made things right with the Lord, come to the well and just see how He will fill you up.

Rivers in the Desert

Have you ever been at a place in your walk with Christ where you feel like you are wandering through a desert? You feel defeated, broken, and all dried up. Your heart used to be a gushing spring for the Lord and now it feels like you are barely squeezing a drop out of it. Your heart has started to get brittle and it's as cracked as the desert floor as the sun scorches it. The circumstances in your life are beating down on you like the harsh rays of the hot desert son and there is no shade in sight. 

I've been there. I am there. And yet the Lord keeps providing me rivers of life even as I am spending time in the desert. 

I was reading in Isaiah 43 the other day as I was doing my Bible study and I stumbled across these jewels of wisdom :"Thus, says the Lord who makes a way in the sea and a path through the mighty waters, who brings forth the chariot and horse, the army and the power (they shall lie down together, they shall not rise; they are extinguished, they are quenched like a wick): 'Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. The beast of the field will honor Me, the jackals and the ostriches, Because I give waters in the wilderness and rivers in the desert, to give drink to My people, My chosen. This people I have formed for Myself; They shall declare my praise. "-v.16-21. 

I love the beautiful imagery of the water seen in this passage. Not only does the Lord make a way through the sea (like He did for the Israelites when He parted the waters of the Red Sea); He also makes rivers in a place where water is hard to find. 

Notice the author didn't use the word stream or pond. This was no hole of water you would be lucky to stumble upon in the desert, but rivers. Flowing. Moving. Gushing. Rivers.

The imagery of the water is even revealed in the verb usage when it comes to a new thing the Lord will do in our lives. "Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth" from verse 19 uses the word spring to paint the picture of how the Lord will accomplish a new thing. 

This is no trickle of water. It's a spring. Is it any wonder the Lord had the author use this verb? It means to jump up or arise suddenly as a verb, but when it comes to water a spring comes from groundwater that has emerged from the Earth's surface.

That's how the Lord works. He starts on the inside. Underneath the surface of our lives, our appearances, and the faces we wear. He begins in our heart and He takes those places that have dried up in our lives and causes His Living Water to flow through them once again.

Do you need a fresh, new work from the Holy Spirit? It's yours for the taking, all you have to do is come empty with your bucket. He will fill it to overflowing.

A Song for Sunday: I Am Not Alone

Water. It's beautiful, majestic, and terrifying all at the same time.

Lakes. 

            Pools. 

                          Streams. 

                                Rivers.

                                      Oceans.

                                                     Rain. 

The forms of water can bring such beauty, but they can also wreak havoc on the land. God uses the imagery of water so much in the Bible and it's a beautiful picture. But the process can be extremely hard. I am going to be focusing for the month of March each Sunday on a different song that speaks of water when it comes to the Christian life. Some of them will be hymns and some will be more contemporary songs. The whole song could be focused on water and the washing of sins, or it may just refer to water in one line. 

 There is a new song by Kari Jobe that has been playing on K-Love quite a bit lately and it only mentions water in the first line. And yet that first line of the song speaks so much to my spirit. "When I walk through deep waters, I know that You will be with me" starts out the song "I am not Alone". And I am reminded of how God calls us many times in our Christian walk to walk through some very deep waters. And it can be extremely scary. God called Peter to come walk to Him on the waves and when Peter took his eyes off of Jesus, his steps faltered and he began to sink. Lately I feel as if the Lord is calling me to wade out into the deepest waters I have ever experienced in my life and it's a bit frightening at times. I want to argue with Him and say "No Lord, I can't walk through those deep waters. I will surely sink. It's too hard."  And yet He lovingly whispers to my soul "It may seem too hard to you, but nothing is too hard for Me. Just keep your eyes on Me; you'll be alright. We will get through this." And the beautiful part of the whole process is that it's not me saying "I can do this" or "I can get through this", but that "We can get through this together". Because on my own, I can't do this. I am not strong enough. I fail in my own strength all the time. But with God (aren't those three words just so beautiful?!), I know I can get through it because He will be with me every step of the way and I am surely not alone.