A Song for Sunday: "When I'm With You"

I am not sure why we think we have to put on a brave face for others all the time. I am not sure why I used to think I had to act like I had it all together in front of everyone else, even when everything in my life was crumbling around me. And I could do nothing to stop it. 

I used to do this. I tried to hide it all. I even tried to hide it from God. As if I could do such a thing. I would feel horrible, crying my eyes out in my room and tell myself "crying is going to get you no where. Now just stop it" As if that actually works, ha! And I didn't like to let people know that I was struggling, that I was not "perfect" all the time. I guess I didn't want them to know that *gasp* I was human. 

But then something shifted. My fiance of about 4 years (we dated for 5) out of the blue broke up with me. The heartbreak was like nothing I have ever felt before. I was, well there's really no other way to put this...I was a mess. I sat in church that Sunday with a sweet family I was close to. They had graciously let me crash at their house the night before and to please not watch any romance movies, haha. We watched movies, laughed, talked, and they just let me cry. And I never cried much in front of anyone. But I did there. 

And then my friend turned to me during one of the songs or maybe after the sermon and asked the question I always somewhat dreaded. "Are you ok?" I was sobbing at this point and it's pretty obvious I'm not ok. However, I used to just say yeah I'm fine and move on. I will never forget the time I looked at her and said "you know what? I'm not ok". Then she looked at me with this scared look on her face like, um I don't know what to say to that. I may have scared her a little bit or shocked her. But then I know it was God who stirred within my heart when I turned to her and said the next words "But I will be".

I didn't know when I would be ok. I honestly didn't think I would ever really be "ok" again. But did I want to be? Something shifted in me that day.

I felt almost a weight come off of me. And I was like you know what? I don't care what people think who see me right now. I just don't care. I am a mess. My heart feels like it's broken into a million pieces. And I just can't slap a smile on right now and pretend everything is just lovely. 

And that felt amazing. Freeing, really. For once I had decided to just be honest with someone, to not try to cover up my pain. And then I realized God doesn't want me to do that with Him either. Especially not with Him. 

That's why the song "When I'm With You" by Citizen Way speaks so to my heart. I am never too much for my Lord to handle. And gosh that's such a beautiful thing.

Because I know I am too much for some people. I know my sarcasm and my crazy antics probably drive some people absolutely crazy. I know some people see me and are like "Gosh do I have to talk to that girl again?" They don't say it, but I can see it written all over their face. 

And yet God looks at me. Me. A low, dirty sinner. In all my mess. And does He walk away? Or say uh no I don't really want to deal with this today? Never. Gosh, I sure would. I would be like yeah that's just too much of a mess for me to deal with. 

But "every hurt, every scar, every secret" He just loves me.  So everything is not always fine and I am not always ok. But I can always come to Him this way. And He meets me there. That's just so beautiful to me.

I think we need to stop trying to put on this show of trying to have it all together when we don't. Because you know what people really need? They need something real. People ache for it. They search for answers in all kinds of things, but only the things that are real and true really satisfy. People need to know that no, nobody has it all together. We are all sinners in desperate need of a loving God to scoop us up and make this mess a masterpiece for His glory.

I don't have to pretend with God. So why in the world should I have to pretend to others? You just never know who may need to hear about what you are going through or have been through. Because you never know who is secretly also walking through the fire and needs to hear some words of hope and truth today. You never know who is walking around, tired of acting like everything is just fine when everything is in pieces.

You never know who needs to be told that with God "there's only love, there's only grace." No matter what mess they find themselves in, they can know that there is no need for walls. And when you start letting your walls come down, it's extremely hard but it's one of the most beautiful feelings of freedom. 

Check out this link for the lyric video of "When I'm With You" by Citizen Way below. 

"When I'm With You" lyric video

A Song for Sunday: "I'll Find You"

I go about my day greeting those I meet with a smile and sometimes a hug. I accomplish what I need to do. I am doing life. But what many people don't know is what they can't see behind the mask I don at times.

What many don't know is that I struggle with this thing called depression.

I mean I think we all struggle with it a little bit from time to time. But most people don't know that I have spent hours in my bedroom crying, depressed and in a fog. That I have fought myself to get out of the bed some mornings. That I have been in deep, dark pits where I lay on my bed and ask for God to take me.

And that's why this song called "I'll Find You" by Lecrae and Tori Kelly hits deep with me. This song is about holding on a little longer when the night is creeping in and death may be knocking on the front door.

Depression is real. People commit suicide every day. I mean even I have contemplated it at times. And no one likes to talk about it. Because it's not pretty. It's messy. And dark. And hard. But it's real.

And it needs to be talked about. Because those who struggle the most with depression and thoughts of suicide have it in their head that they are alone in this struggle. Yet they are not alone. Countless others deal with the same struggles, the same hardships.

And the pain may cut deep. It may hurt like nothing you have ever experienced before. Yet, would you believe that it's all worth it in the end?

I didn't at first. I would be stuck in these dark and hard circumstances, pleading with God to just take me out of this world. I would say to Him "I don't want to do this anymore. It's too hard". I remember one night I was telling Him this and I heard within myself a voice in response saying "I know, child. It was hard for me when I went to the cross." And I was like gosh, pierce my heart why don't you?  The point had been made. My trials were nothing in comparison to the cross and the fact my Savior was rejected by His Father due to bearing the weight of the sins of the world.

But even knowing that doesn't always just make the depression go away. It lurks in the corners of my life at times, just waiting to come out. It surprises me when I least expect it. So like Lecrae pens in his song "I'm smilin' in everyone's face. I'm cryin' whenever they leave the room." This is because "they don't know the battle I face". 

So yes, the world is trying to play with my soul and I am just trying my best to trust in Jesus. Through the smiles, the tears, the laughter and the pain. Satan wants to have his way with me. Circumstances come about in my life that are harsh and painful. I want to pray them away or pray myself out;  out of the situation or out of the world. This pain is deep. It's so very real. And it's scary. 

Yet, the lyrics that ring so true with me in this song are:

"They say fear haunts

And pain hates

I say pain strengthens

And fear drives faith."

This sounds strange at first. Like how can fear actually drive faith? However, I know for sure that it is my pain and my fears that drive me to God. I draw closer to Him when I feel like all hope is lost. The pain makes me stronger. And I don't know why I have gone through the many hard circumstances I have had to walk through. But God used them all to bring me closer, to strengthen my faith. And well I don't think I would be where I am spiritually if I hadn't walked through the fire many times. 

So the next few lines from Lecrae's song becomes a sort of heart cry and prayer for me: 

" I don't know all of the outcomes

Don't know what happens tomorrow

But when that ocean of doubt comes

Don't let me drown in my sorrow".

The ocean of doubt will come. It always does. I feel often like I don't measure up. Like I am too much for people or simply not enough. But I know my God won't let me drown in my sorrow. He's the one who rescued me from myself many times. The one who urged me to lift my head out of the water on one of my lowest nights when I just wanted to sink under the water and not come back up. 

On the nights I had convinced myself that the world would be better off without me in it, He rescued me and convinced me it was worth me trying at least one more day. His love has always rescued me. It has given me purpose. It has given me worth. And it has given me life. 

So no matter what you are going through, hold on a little longer my friend. I know it sounds strange, but yes it's all worth it in the end. Just hold on and God will find you. Let Him rescue you from yourself. 

Check out Lecrae's song "I'll Find You" in this lyric video with the link below: 

I'll Find You Lyric Video

"Burn the Ships"

The holidays are approaching. And for the first time, I have decided there is one family member I don't want to see. And for the first time, I don't feel guilty. 

This is huge.

This past week I have been wrestling with my fear and my emotions. The guilt creeps in and I toss and turn in my sleep. I wake up in a cold sweat. I hate feeling like this.

The anxiety comes every time they want to talk to me. Every time they try to reach out, my heart recedes and panic settles in. I have a hard time sleeping. I pray sometimes for memory loss of certain moments. Because I just can't seem to forget. 

It's not that I haven't moved on. Because I have. It's that Satan is really good at making me feel guilty for having moved on. The lies repeat in my mind. Things said to me at night by a drunk father who doesn't remember, but that I will never forget. "You're a horrible daughter. Worthless. You don't love him." 

I have prayed in earnest to God, clinging to His Word and promises. And I just asked Him if it's ok for me not to see my dad for the holidays just give me peace...please. Because I can't take this anymore. 

And then a song came on the radio the other day. I was having a particularly hard morning. The bank also called and I had to deal with credit card fraud as well. I was just drained. I was driving to the bank the first time I heard it and really listened to the lyrics. 

I needed those lyrics. The message that there was a time to burn the ships of my past, to dry my tears, wave goodbye and don't look back. "Burn the Ships" by For King and Country is a deep personal story tied with a historical account. The lyrics hit deep. They strike the heart. 

And somewhere in all of that, the lies were destroyed with declarations of truth. The whispers from a loving Heavenly Father saying "You're my daughter and I thought highly enough of you to die for you. Because of me, you are worth more than precious jewels." 

It's as if God was using the lyrics to say to me "I can see in your eyes, dear. It's hard to take for a moment more" but that I don't need to feel guilt for stepping into a new day. Just like every other time before, I will rise up from the dust and walk away. And this heartache? I will dance on it. 

No matter how many times I am knocked down, my Savior will pick me back up again. He will strengthen me and teach me to dance all over again. 

I will light the match, leave the past all over again, and burn the ships.  Lord, help me not to look back. 

Satan, throw what you will at me. But you don't hold my destiny. The ships are burning. Now please move so I can get to my dance floor. 

Check out the music video for "Burn the Ships" at Burn the Ships Music Video

Just click the link. Don't ever feel guilty for leaving your past behind. Let the words wash over you. Step into a new day with the Savior by your side.