It's Ok To Not Understand

I turned in my keys today. The ones that let me into one of the best places I have ever worked. I loaded up the rest of my classroom items and they are either in cars or my house. As I turned around to look back at my classroom, I did my best to hold back the tears. I remembered the day my darling students walked in the door, 5 years old and nervous, not sure what to expect. And I remember all the fun times we had and how we laughed, talked, went on adventures, and got to know one another better and better. I recall the last day when many of them didn't want to leave my classroom, 6 years old and full of dreams. How they couldn't read when they walked into my classroom, but were reading either on grade level or above when they left. 

I will miss getting to see the change from the beginning of the school year to the end. I will miss getting to set up a classroom and all the brand new school supplies. And most of all, I will miss having those children walk through my classroom door to greet me each morning. 

I know God gave me the opportunity to work there and part of me questions "Why are you taking this job away from me?" I worked so hard and I did well. He called me to teach. So why was this door shut? 

I really don't understand why. But that's ok. I may never understand exactly why. But I know He has a plan. It may not be what I expect or desire, but maybe He just wanted me to teach there for a season. Perhaps He is leading me to touch someone else's lives that I need to touch. I have to remind myself this as the tears threaten to spill, I want to scream, and I am searching for a comedy to relieve some of my pent up frustration. 

These past 2 1/2 years have been hard. I have been shifted in so many different directions. My life has changed drastically quite a few times. And there are a lot of times I am asking God, "Why?" He continues to lovingly whisper to me and remind me that I don't need to know why, I just need to trust Him and follow. Sometimes I dig in my heels and refuse, but this gets me nowhere and I always end up relenting with a heavier heart because I resisted. 

I was supposed to get married. That didn't happen. I was supposed to get a teaching job after moving. That didn't happen. I taught VPK for 2 years at a place I wasn't exactly thrilled to work at. I got a teaching job, only to have it one year and not be able to do it this year. In the mix of all that, my grandpa had a heart attack, my other grandparents were diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and my dad got incarcerated yet again. I look at all this and think gosh, I just can't win. Sometimes it's more than I can bear. And I don't understand. 

But....It's ok to not understand. He will hold me as I am hurting and continue to grow me as I walk forward. I may be crawling sometimes, tired from the fight, but I will do my best to press on and persevere in Him. 

Sorry, Satan but you can't have me...not today and not tomorrow either. I belong to the King of Kings and I don't have to understand everything. I just need to rest in the fact that He does. 

Finding Joy in the Journey

I'm looking at pictures of a wedding I went to recently. Why in the world do I start crying? The wedding was beautiful. I am super happy for my friend. I say this to myself as I cringe and remember the pain like it was yesterday. The phone call. The broken engagement. 5 years down the drain. Just. Like. That. I was planning a wedding, but it never happened.

It's been about 2 1/2 years now and it still hurts at times. I am sick and tired of some telling me that the pain will go away in time. Yes- the pain lessens over time, but heart break hurts and the pain doesn't ever really go away. I won't ever forget the day when my world as I knew it came crashing down. I won't ever forget how it felt like I was dying.

I am not saying this to get pity or have you feel sorry for me. I am saying this, because someone out there needs to hear this. Someone may break your heart, but if they do, they didn't truly value it in the first place. Hold on to the Lord who is the healer of broken hearts. I can't promise the pain will go away this side of heaven. But over time, it becomes bearable and you start to actually want to live again.

Don't let anyone ever tell you that you need to just "get over it" and that you are making a big deal out of "nothing". It was not "nothing" and yes move on with your life, but know that it's going to be a journey of more than just one step. The journey is hard, but it's worth it and you'll learn a lot.

The biggest lessons I learned from all of this:

You do NOT need a man to be successful (or woman if you are a guy). So you're in your 20's and not married. Guess what? There are other things you can do besides dating or getting married. You can make a difference. You can do lots of things married couples really can't. Now is your chance, so make the most of every moment.

The people who don't want you in their life are not worth it. Just trust me. I mean they are not worth you trying to force them into liking you. I am totally guilty of trying to be a people-pleaser. But the Lord is teaching me to let that go. Because I need to be a God-pleaser, not a people-pleaser. If I am pleasing the Lord and being kind to others, that's all that matters. That's what I should be worried about. Instead try hanging out with people who actually WANT you in their life. It's refreshing and so uplifting. As for the others, just walk away, pray for them and let them go their merry way. You can still be kind at a distance.

And my favorite lesson: Sometimes God allows us to endure heartache so He can bring us to something so much better. I did not want my engagement to end 2 1/2 years ago. I was head over heels. I loved the guy. I would have done ANYTHING for him. And whoa, that's kind of dangerous now when I look back on it and think about it. Did God save me from something that would probably have been miserable? YES. It felt like the life was being sucked out of me. I honestly did not want to live, I just wanted Jesus to take me home.

And yet....I would not be teaching Kindergarten in Florida if this break up hadn't happened. I would not have been able to touch the children's lives at Good Shepherd and at the church I now attend. I would not be able to watch the kids I nanny anymore. God wanted to save me from a miserable marriage. But He also wanted me to be here touching lives in this community.

If I meet a guy one day and get married, that will be awesome. But for now, I've got kids to watch, children to teach and lives to change. I am learning to be content where God has placed me and what He has called me to be. Not to mention, it's really fun getting to make a difference in the life of a child.

So I smile through the tears, because I know God has His fingerprints ALL OVER THIS. And the journey may be hard, but there's joy in the journey :)

1 in 700,000

I am jolted awake again

My heart is racing.

I take a deep breath,

It's just a dream I say, but it's a lie.

It's a memory buried so deep and long that I forgot it.

But it's returned with a vengeance.

It plays over and over in my mind.

I blink and my mind goes back,

Back to the day when survival meant

A whole different thing.

He fought in a war, battles,

Protector of our freedom.

But he brought the war back with him.

I guess he took it out on us or maybe he

Just hated us. 

Other kids were scared to walk outside their home

Into a cruel world.

Their battlefield was the world.

I was scared some days to enter my home.

My battlefield was inside my own front door.

The one person who was supposed to love and protect us,

Was cruel, harsh, and cold.

I watched him take someone's spirit, someone's joy

And sqaush it,

With the satisfaction of getting rid of an unwanted bug. 

I watched the light go out of my mom's eyes, out of my brother's

And then slowly,

Mine.

No one really knew- 

We made the "perfect" picture outside our walls.

But inside, we were bleeding,

Broken. 

This man who could seem so nice was a monster to us.

Playing Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

And you never knew which character

Would walk through the door that day.

Nights when I was at my lowest,

I glanced over at my pillow and thought

How easy it would be to end it all.

I played scenarios in my head of the easiest, most painless ways to slip away.

But then I would shake my head

And tell myself, this is so not right.

I am just a child. 

I should not have these thoughts.

So I cried myself to sleep\

And got up again the next day.

Another round in the ring-

More scars that no one saw and

No one would ever notice. 

I hate being so vulnerable to rip back the walls and let people see this part of me. It's painful, but sometimes God brings such beauty through the pain. Maybe you were not aware, but around 700,000 children in the United States are abused annually. These are just the reported cases. Domestic violence happens in even the "nicest" families. The psychological effects it has on these children into adulthood is huge. 

Always be looking for those who are afraid to speak out of what may happen behind closed doors. I went to public school and no one ever noticed. Or if they did, they never said anything. I am just 1 person, many other children experience the painful reality of being scared to go home. Be a voice for those who have none. Always speak out for the victims. 

Because you would never want it to happen to your child,

So why should it happen to any child?

I am always watching, always looking to see the signs in any students of mine that walk through the door. Because sometimes, they can be really hard to detect. And because I know what it's like to be there. 

Hard Love

I heard the song "Hard Love" play on the radio the other day by Need to Breathe and I almost had a mini-meltdown in my car. They were the words I needed. The chorus states this:

"Hold on tight a little longer

What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger

Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love

You can't change without a fallout

It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down

Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love"

It's a hard love y'all. Hard when you were knocked down time and time again by a person's hurtful words, mind games, and psychological abuse from when you were a child and all the way up into your 20's by a person who is supposed to love and protect you. And you go visit them in a place you would never normally step inside and most days you choose to forgive, but it's hard.

It's a hard love when you have to love people who continually shun you, shame you, or chew you out for not even really doing anything wrong. It's hard to love people at work when they don't have your back and you are trying your best with a child and they just don't get it, because they aren't in the classroom everyday and they don't see what you deal with. 

It's hard when a co-worker tells you privately "Girl, you are so strong. You must have gone through some pretty tough stuff, because the strongest people go through a lifetime of hurts" and you just start sobbing. And then they think they did something terribly wrong, but instead you tell them "No, it's just that no one has ever really noticed before and I don't really open up to people about it." You breathe a sigh of relief that at least someone outside your family knows your secret. That you don't have it all together, even when it may look like it. 

It's hard when you feel like you are about to have a mental breakdown from all the stress at work, home life, church hurts and more. It's like a huge weight is on my chest and I can barely breathe. And yet God calls me to step out of the bed everyday and keep going. Guys if what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I guess I am going to be rock solid after all this. 

Sometimes things in this life just hurt really bad, but God gives me the grace to get back up every time I am knocked down. He is my anchor and my shelter in the storm and y'all, I've pretty much had storms on my horizon since I was around 8 years old. Sometimes I want to scream at the sky, "God, why?!! Why does this all have to keep happening to me?" And I am reminded that He didn't promise me an easy life and He told us we would have hardships and trials. If Jesus could go to the cross for me, then I can get through all of this. 

It's a hard love, but it was never meant to be easy. 

By THIS Everyone Will Know...

My heart aches for the unity in Christ all believers should have. Because let's face it, sometimes I think people will be shocked to find other people in heaven who don't go to their church. Christianity isn't some all-inclusive club for only the elite to get in. It's for every wretched, dirty heart that falls on their face before a mighty God and accepts Him as their Lord and Savior. It's for the Pentecostal, the Baptist, the Presbyterian, the Lutheran, the Methodist, the Apostolic, the Non-denominational, Inter-denominational, and the list could go on.  

Those are LABELS that we put on ourselves. Jesus doesn't see labels y'all, He sees HEARTS! No where in the Bible does it say "Those who go to such and such church will be saved, all those who go to a different church are wretched sinners." It says "everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."-Romans 10:13 Newsflash: All we, like sheep have gone astray. We all have turned everyone to his own way. We are ALL wretched sinners in need of a gracious, loving Savior. You know what we are without Jesus? Dirty, stinky rags. The kind that are good for nothing but the trash. They are ripped, torn to pieces, and every inch of them is covered in filth. That is us without Jesus and it doesn't matter what church doors we grace with our presence each week. Because in His eyes, we are all the same. 

I feel sick to my stomach when I remember how I was taught differently growing up. How they would feed me the lies that while yes everyone was a sinner, we were somehow better off than everyone else because we attended some supernatural, special church. There is NOTHING special about a church building or the leaders or the programs etc. They may be nice, but when it all comes down to it what matters is that the people of God are out there showing love to a lost and dying world.

Because Jesus said "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”-John 13:35  Too many churches and believers today have rewritten this verse in their mind to read something like this: "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples"..... "if you attend this church", "if you put down others who don't go to your church" 'if you choose a position no matter how wrong it is and then twist Scripture to back up your position", "if you accumulate all the power you can and use it to inflict agony upon others all in the name of Jesus". 

Oh my heart breaks. Guys, no wonder the devil is having a hey-day. He is sitting back with joy on his scheming, devising and dividing face watching God's people fall apart because there is disunity in the church. And by the church, I don't mean a building. I mean the family of God. Every single born-again believer makes up the church. From here all the way to Australia and everything above, below or in between. Every person who has ever called upon the name of the Lord to save them is a part of this church. I don't think some of us are going to know what to do when we get to heaven and see some other people up there too. 

Christianity is not a country club guys, so can we please stop treating it like it is? It's a messy, chaotic, surrendered, not very glamorous life. But if we truly follow Jesus and let His love pour into us and through us, it's a life full of peace that surpasses understanding, joy that is unspeakable and faith that is unshakable. I want to get back to that kind of Christianity. What about you? 

Such Were Some of You

I place my hand on the mirror, stare into the eyes of the face looking back at me and step back a little startled. I thought I had left everything behind me. Instead of a 25 year old woman staring back at me, why do I see the face of a 9 year old girl, struggling to breathe in the chaos of her life? For just a moment I flicker and start to wilt, my eyes becoming pools. And then just like that, the image is gone and my 25 year old self is again staring back at me. My eyes glass over like stone, cold as ice.

I once believed that everything in my past I had completely left behind.  That it didn't really affect me. While I have moved on from the past, I am starting to realize more and more lately just how much that past has defined me. I can't ever totally get away from it. I guess you really can't outgrow some things, you just learn to cope with it or deal with it in the best way possible. I didn't know at 9 years old when my home life was falling apart that it would have such a lasting effect on me. I didn't really know that until I read an article a while back, stepped back and prayed about the decisions I had made and came face to face with the real me.

More and more every day I am seeing just how much I need Christ in my every moment. To rescue me. Not from the ones who lied, broke promises, and wounded me. But to rescue me from myself, who has done the same if not worse. I thought it was silly to think that events that took place when I was just a child could influence my life so much. And then I stumbled across an article of characteristics of children who grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent. I scoffed about it at first and then as I started to read, I was wondering if the author had peeked into my life and wrote the article about me.

It made me come face to face with realities that I didn't even fully realize were evident in my life. It made me ever so much more grateful for God's grace. And it made me see how wrong I have been for so many years and wonder why I never saw it before.

I hate being the victim. I once was a victim, helpless to the chaos around me. And so I have become a type of control freak. I like control. I like to be in charge. When I am not in charge, I start to panic. I love order. When things are not in order, anxiety kicks in like crazy. I am nowhere where I used to be in this regard, but I am still very much a control freak. I like to be the one helping others. If someone needs rescuing, I am happy to comply and help. However, I have a hard time admitting that I need help because I don't like to be the one who needs saving.

Because I like order so much, I do not do well with change. Whenever a major change happens in my life, I deal with depression and anxiety. I don't mean just the type where you worry some and maybe have a good cry. I mean the type where I lose sleep and get sick because I am so anxious. Even small changes to my day can bring about a type of anxiety. I am learning to cope, but I don't think I will ever just be absolutely fine with change.

I like order, control, and schedules. When people in my life do not fall under this pattern, I freak out. When it all comes down to it, if I can't control you, save you, or manipulate you in some way then I really want nothing to do with you. This is sick. This is me in my flesh. And praise God, this is NOT who I am today.

In my flesh, I am rotten, stinking filth. I wound people with my words, I lie to save face, and the reality of my sins keep me awake some nights. I cry thinking of the things I have said and done to others. When it all comes down to it, the hardest thing is for me to forgive myself. I will try to make things right with those I have wronged and I know it's washed clean by the blood of Jesus. But I let it hang over my head and beat myself up with it. When I do this, it's as if His death were in vain. It's as if I don't believe that He died for every one of my sins, has washed me and made me clean.

I am so grateful that the Lord has since taken the blinders off my eyes, has enabled me to see truth, and has set me free from feeling this way. I still wrestle with it from time to time. But when I do, I repeat this verse to myself and let its' beautiful truth wash over me. "And such were some of you: but you are washed, but you are sanctified, but you are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God".- 1 Corinthians 6:11

Praise God for His son Jesus and for His great grace which washes over me daily. I don't have to be the hurt, confused and conflicted 9 year old girl anymore. God has brought me a long way and while I will never fully get away from everything that happened to me in my past, it doesn't have to own me anymore. I don't belong to it. I belong to Him. And that, my friends, is such a beautiful thing.