A Song for Sunday: "God Only Knows"

"Wide awake, while the world is sound asleeping.

Too afraid of what might show up while you're dreaming.

Nobody, nobody sees you,

Nobody, nobody would believe you..."

Because....God only knows...

God only knows... how I wake up from a terrible dream that seemed so real. And somewhere in the back of my mind I know parts of it probably are. But I try to shake it off, best as I can.

God only knows...how I wake up in a panic attack, feeling like I can't breathe, and all of a sudden I feel like I am going to throw up.

God only knows...how little things can set me off and I don't even know why they do. I just know there has to be a reason. And I feel guilt for how I react and don't know how to tell you what is going on, because I really have no clue.

God only knows...how I cringe every time someone comes in physical contact with me, especially a guy. But how I play it off like it's no big deal and on the inside I am panicking.

God only knows...how my heart aches each time one of my friends gets married or has another baby. And I think to myself when will it be my turn?

God only knows...how a child's tug on my hand pulls at my heartstrings so and I start praying to the Lord for a child, even though I don't even have a man yet. How I contemplate adopting when I am more financially stable and have a place of my own.

God only knows...when I am laying in my bed, drowning in my insecurities and fears, but I plaster on a smile and face the next day with as much grace and poise as I can possibly muster.

God only knows...how I feel as if my heart is stabbed as the very people I thought would offer the most support offer me none. And yet thinking to myself how I should have expected this, because even close family have turned their backs on me.

God only knows...how I fought the tears, thinking of all the lies I had been fed for years and how I helped some of them continue without realizing it. And how I feel sick to my stomach over it all. As I try to wrap my mind around why people I grew up knowing could be so horrible and cruel.

God only knows...when I have had a horrible day and people are being so cruel to me and I am trying so hard to be kind, but I feel like I am going to snap.

The song "God Only Knows" by For King and Country plays on the radio and I have listened to it over and over again. I let the lyrics sink into my innermost being. It's just so...real. And that's amazing. Because we live in a fake world. Full of people posting fake lives on social media. Acting like they have it all together, but the truth is they don't. And at the end of the day, really God only knows what they are truly going through.

"God only knows what you've been through,

God only knows what they say about you,

God only knows how it's killing you,

But there's a kind of love that God only knows."

The amazing thing about it all is that God knows all this horrible stuff and yet He still loves me. This kind of love He only knows is more than I can fathom,  it's better than anything I could imagine.

Because there are a lot of things that I don't tell anyone about, lots of battles I face in my bedroom and in my mind. I hear what people say about me. I know what some of them think. Sometimes I let it get to me. Sometimes it's silently killing me on the inside, whatever I am going through.

So yes God only knows everything about me. And yet God is the only one who could ever truly love me. How amazing!

It's so easy to get wrapped up in the "God only knows" about the troubles I have faced or am facing at the moment. To feel rejected, let down, and cast out by the world. And yet this song urges me to focus on something else entirely. To focus on the fact that there is a love that God only knows. And so when the thoughts of "God only knows" enter my head, I force myself to finish the sentence with "God only knows" how to love me unconditionally. And I just let thoughts of His love fill my mind and chase all the bad ones away.

I'm so very grateful for the love that God only knows and that He offers it to me so freely.

"God only Knows" music video

Not Single, Free

51 days. 51 days until I turn 28. 2 years from 30. 5 years ago my life was so different. I was "attached". I had a serious boyfriend. And then 3 years ago, after 1 year of being "unattached" I tried it again and it didn't last very long. Just didn't work out. 

And the thoughts start turning. What if it's just never going to work out? What if I had one chance and I blew it? What if this is God's way of punishing me? 

All around me I see images of what my life is supposed to look like. Either career crazy or having a family-life. I don't have either, so what exactly does that make me?

Am I somehow unlovable by the opposite sex? Am I incomplete? Am I somehow...broken? 

We live in a "couple-crazy" society. It's in the books. The movies. On the covers of magazines. "Is He Really Into You?" "Are you compatible?" "Get Him to Notice You" are headlines we read in magazines. And somehow we are fed this line that with a guy we are complete and without one, well we are just single, lonely, and adrift on a sea of dashed dreams. 

I, for one, am tired of the questions and what people say. They may mean well, but meanwhile I am left over here feeling like I am somehow not good enough because I don't have a guy. Like having a guy is going to be some magical key that instantly completes me and causes these paint blotches to turn into a beautiful work of art. 

And yet it goes on.

 "How in the world can a beautiful girl like you still be single? What's wrong with those boys?"- I don't know. You tell me. But trust me, I now feel like something is wrong with me, not them. 

"Don't have a boyfriend yet? Oh well...your time will come"- oh so I can't have a time at all until I have a guy. Gee. Thanks a lot.  

"I met this guy and I think he would be just perfect for you!" - Gee, why don't you please go on about how I am a complete failure at finding my own guy? 

"Well you know, God will bring someone in His timing."- sure that sounds nice, but what if He doesn't want to bring someone? Or I am left wondering why in the world has God made me wait this long and who would He be so cruel? 

Or the lovely things that mostly the older people tell me, some who are in pretty loveless marriages I might add.

"You still don't have a boyfriend? Well girl, you know you aren't getting any younger."- Wow, I had no idea I got older each year. Thanks so much for enlightening me. And thanks for making me feel like a complete and utter failure for being single at my age. 

The thing is...why in the world is it portrayed that without a guy I am somehow broken?

I mean if I am broken, by the world's standards, then I think I kind of like it.

So many girls just choose to settle. Because they buy into the line that to be complete, to be something in this world, they need a guy. And so they struggle in love-less marriages sometimes, sitting pretty in a cage full of beautiful things. And yet their heart is in chains. Complete? I think not. They settle for less than God's best for them, because they are just so scared of being alone and are tired of what people say. 

Don't get me wrong, I dream of true love just like any girl and want that for myself one day. But that day is not today. And you know what? I don't really care. Sure I want that. I want a great godly guy. I want a family. But I am not somehow less because I don't have a guy. So please stop making me feel that way. 

I actually resent the world single. I mean it's so bland. It's like a weighted "curse word" or something in our society. It has a negative connotation. I prefer the word free.

I am free, because I don't need a guy to be satisfied. Or to be complete. I just need God. He is more than enough. 

So I may not be "attached" right now, but please don't ask me about it. If I want to talk to you about it, I will. But most of the time, I am just busy living life. So please just let me live it. And please, please, please think about what you are going to say before saying it. If you have any doubts about how it could be taken, then just keep it to yourself. 

This is my life. Not yours. I may not live it the way you want me to, but I need to live it my way. My life may not look like yours or what's in movies or magazines, but that's OK. Just let me be free....free to be me.