Confessions of a Tired Teacher...

I get it. They see me in the halls with my class this year and probably talk to their co-workers behind my back. I have been guilty of doing it at times to others. And I want to just say I now apologize for anytime I felt like a teacher has terrible classroom management skills just because her kids don't walk quietly down the hall.

Earlier this week I just about had a mental breakdown. Because I know. I know every year, every class, every group of students is different. I have experienced this before. I tell myself this over and over. And yet somehow I feel as if the ship is sinking, I am drowning, and I am just having more weight piled on top of me. So many days I feel like I just can't win this thing. Everything that ever worked before isn't doing the trick. And I have dealt with students who threw computers at me, for goodness sakes! 

I have always worked in private schools, except for when I worked as a para in a CBSA (self-contained ESE for those who don't know) classroom and when I subbed last year. I did my practicum at a private Christian school, I student-taught at a private Christian school, I taught at a private daycare with VPK for 2 years and then went on to teach Kindergarten and LOVED it at a local Christian private school. I remember loving going in to work every morning. I know what it's like to have a small class size, parents who truly invest in their children's education, and there isn't a test shoved at you every few weeks that has to be done. Not to mention the meetings I feel like they just want us to have every single day lately.

I feel like I am DROWNING. And I was told this was normal. That I would probably feel like that for years, especially in the beginning of the year. But I didn't feel like this my first year actually teaching. I repeat this in my mind and I feel guilty. Because I haven't loved going in to work every morning lately. My first year teaching was hard. There was a lot to do. I had to build everything from "scratch". I stayed at work late pretty much everyday. And yet, I genuinely loved getting up to go to work everyday. I want to feel like this again, I say, as tears run down my face. Because I love my students. And I love teaching. And I know you gave me these students Lord to help me be a better, stronger teacher. Yet some days I just feel like crying. Because, oh Lord, it's HARD. 

These kids enter my classroom every single day. Some of them dealing with very "adult" emotions and situations, but not really knowing how to handle that. I have no idea what they have been through before they walk through my door. Sometimes students will come in crying and my heart just skips a beat, I hug them briefly and help them get started with our day. So many times I find myself praying in my head, "Dear, Lord how am I going to teach them today? I feel like maybe all I can do is love them today. I don't feel like I am reaching them with the lessons. They aren't here, their mind is elsewhere." And my heart hurts. 

I have lost sleep, prayed and cried over my classroom for the past couple of weeks. And then tonight as I was praying, I know it was God who whispered to me, "Why are you trying to make your work harder. Why not work smarter?" and I was led to research some different classroom management skills when it comes to Reading groups. Reading groups is very new to me. I did center time with the class I taught before, but it was with 10 students who were more or less on the same level (with the exception of 1-2 students). This year I have 13 students and since they are on all different levels, it feels sometimes like I have 20 (ha!). Therefore, the methods I used before were not working for my group this year. 

And so I am wide awake on a Friday night at almost 2 am because I ordered some new items off of Amazon and I am doing Reading Centers and Math Groups completely different next week. It's going to allow the kids more choice, but still keep them engaged and learning. And it's hopefully going to cut down on the interruptions from students coming up to me at Teacher Table for every. single. little. thing. And yes, I have said "Are you bleeding? Throwing up? Did someone physically hurt you?" "No...oh ok, well goodbye."Then, I point to the light and tell them I will not speak to them unless it is an emergency while I am working with my group at Teacher Table. At one time I was told I would get another helper in my classroom for a bit during my Reading groups. That would be a huge help if that ever happens. But I'm not going to hold my breath. 

So for now a better center pocket chart for the kids to manage rotating themselves (without me having to tell them where they go every time) and center tubs are going to be my new best friends. Plenty of engaging learning activities for them to do. More choices for them. Still learning. No bored or confused kids who don't know what to do. Therefore, less behavior problems. Well I am hoping and praying! 

Oh and for walking in the hall? I am going to start using sticker incentive charts that I laminate, hang up, and let them color in the circles on it with a dry erase maker. One way they will get to earn "points" to do a Fun Friday activity will be to walk quietly and correctly in the hallway. I came up with that on my own. I really like positive reinforcement. As if you can't tell from my Treasure Box on Fridays, my Reading Calendar Prizes at the end of the month for them reading at home and turning in their calendars, and later in the year my math store where they earn math bucks by doing homework, good grades on tests etc. and can spend it in the "math store". The catch is they have to tell me how much change I owe them. They have to use adding and subtracting to figure out how much they need and how much they will get back. I provide them a dry erase board and marker to do this and I let them have a time to "shop" on Fridays during Math Groups time or early in the morning before the tardy bell rings.  

This teaching job is not for the weary. It's always changing. It's going from private to public school and pretty much feel like you are starting all over from scratch again. It's losing sleep. It's overthinking every.thing. It's stressing out over evaluations, because you haven't really experienced them before like this. It's wondering if the learning goals you have written are correct or if you should be writing more of them down. It's spending 3-4 hours on your lesson plans and still not being done, because you can't think of higher order thinking questions for every single thing you do or find the standards to match the lessons. 

But at the end of the day, I know my students are learning. I am seeing progress. It may be slower than I want it to be with some. But they are catching some of it! I seriously love my job. I just needed to be reminded of the joy that can come with teaching tonight, or rather this morning. I am super excited to start centers on Monday!!!

But for now, I am going to get some rest and enjoy a little bit of my weekend. Because this teacher needs a BREAK! ;) 

What Love Looks Like

Love. What does it look like? I know what it looks like for me. 

It looks like the face of this beautiful woman standing next to me in this picture. 

It looks like the eyes that light up when I walk into the room, so happy to see me.

It looks like the mouth that speaks words of kindness, and encourages me. 

It looks like the ears that listen to me no matter what time of day or night it is.

It looks like the nose that scrunches up when she smiles real big and laughs.

It looks like the arms that hold me when my world is falling apart.

It looks like the hands that have laid a cool cloth on my brow when sick, and wiped away my tears.

It looks like the legs that walks out her faith, sharing with others His love.

It looks like the feet that stand firm on God's Word and when all else fails, to stand. 

Love looks like all of these things for me. Summed up in one beautiful person: My mom. She's not perfect, but she's perfectly imperfect. I learn from her strengths and her flaws. Her example has spoken volumes in my life. My mom uses all of herself to show me what love truly is.

Because love is being there no matter what. I will always and forever remember the love my mom shows. Throughout lots of moments in my life.

Through baking Christmas cookies together and singing carols.

Through spending the night away from home when dad came home drunk, holding my hand.

Through the nights I was sick and you made me a pallet on your bedroom floor.

Through surviving an awful wreck and crawling into the bed with me as I cried myself to sleep.

Through cheering me on as I graduated from college and started to pursue my dreams.

Through terrible heartbreak like nothing I had ever felt and letting me sleep in your room because the memories in mine were just too much.

Through helping me set up a classroom and then pack it up.

Through continuing to support me as I grow and find new dreams to pursue.

So what does love look like?

It looks like...

My mom.

So Happy Mother's Day, Happy Father's Day (for stepping into the role of a dad because mine was lousy), and Happy everything day. Because you make everyday happy. 

"Any day spent with you is my favorite day so today is my new favorite day."-A.A. Milne

A Song for Sunday: "What a Friend we Have in Jesus"

I don't really know what it's like to have a real friend. Sure, I have people I hang out with and do things with. But a real friend? The kind who calls you or texts you out of the blue just to see how you are doing, without you having to say anything first, the one who just knows you so well without you having to say anything? Yeah I've never had that. I mean it's not like I haven't tried to be nice. I guess I just don't connect with people. And gosh it's depressing sometimes.

I keep staring at the phone screen wondering if today may be the day someone texts me out of the blue for once. But it doesn't. So I reach out. Over and over again. Sometimes they just respond with oh I have been so busy. And yeah I am busy too, but if no one ever reached out, if we never made time for each other, then where would we be? Want to know why suicide is on the rise today? Because people are lonely. Because they want true friends. Someone to check up on them. Someone who genuinely cares. Someone who will take time for them in the midst of their busy life. Because we are all busy. But we make time for what matters most. And I guess I just really don't matter. 

So I brush it off and act like it's all ok. Like I don't care. But on the inside I ache for a true friend. And I question myself multiple times a day what in the world is wrong with me?  When some can never get together, or barely respond, or worse: just don't say anything at all when you mention you would love to come visit. To be honest, without Jesus, I don't know where I would be. But there's a friend who sticks closer than a brother, one who loves unconditionally and I am so glad He is my friend and my Lord.

Because it hurts when I always have to be the one doing the inviting. When I am always the one reaching out. When I can count on one hand a time someone has reached out to me first, it's depressing. And thing is I have even mentioned this to some people and they act like I am either crazy or over- reacting. And yet I sit all alone in my room some nights just wanting somebody to notice me. Somebody to reach out. 

And my mind goes back to the hymn "What a Friend we Have in Jesus" and I smile. Because thank the good Lord I have Jesus for a friend. There is no better friend to have and maybe He never gave me a true friend because He wanted me to just be satisfied in Him. Maybe one day I will have a friend who will invite me to things, check up on me out of the blue, but for now I am just ever so thankful to have Jesus. 

And I am thankful for the people He has placed in my life that are friends to me, even if they aren't close friends like I desire. 

"What a friend we have in Jesus, 

all our sins and grieves to bear,

what a privilege to carry,

everything, to God in prayer. "

Thank you Lord, that you call me friend. There is no better thing to say, than to say that I am the friend of the Savior :) 

A Song for Sunday: "God Only Knows"

"Wide awake, while the world is sound asleeping.

Too afraid of what might show up while you're dreaming.

Nobody, nobody sees you,

Nobody, nobody would believe you..."

Because....God only knows...

God only knows... how I wake up from a terrible dream that seemed so real. And somewhere in the back of my mind I know parts of it probably are. But I try to shake it off, best as I can.

God only knows...how I wake up in a panic attack, feeling like I can't breathe, and all of a sudden I feel like I am going to throw up.

God only knows...how little things can set me off and I don't even know why they do. I just know there has to be a reason. And I feel guilt for how I react and don't know how to tell you what is going on, because I really have no clue.

God only knows...how I cringe every time someone comes in physical contact with me, especially a guy. But how I play it off like it's no big deal and on the inside I am panicking.

God only knows...how my heart aches each time one of my friends gets married or has another baby. And I think to myself when will it be my turn?

God only knows...how a child's tug on my hand pulls at my heartstrings so and I start praying to the Lord for a child, even though I don't even have a man yet. How I contemplate adopting when I am more financially stable and have a place of my own.

God only knows...when I am laying in my bed, drowning in my insecurities and fears, but I plaster on a smile and face the next day with as much grace and poise as I can possibly muster.

God only knows...how I feel as if my heart is stabbed as the very people I thought would offer the most support offer me none. And yet thinking to myself how I should have expected this, because even close family have turned their backs on me.

God only knows...how I fought the tears, thinking of all the lies I had been fed for years and how I helped some of them continue without realizing it. And how I feel sick to my stomach over it all. As I try to wrap my mind around why people I grew up knowing could be so horrible and cruel.

God only knows...when I have had a horrible day and people are being so cruel to me and I am trying so hard to be kind, but I feel like I am going to snap.

The song "God Only Knows" by For King and Country plays on the radio and I have listened to it over and over again. I let the lyrics sink into my innermost being. It's just so...real. And that's amazing. Because we live in a fake world. Full of people posting fake lives on social media. Acting like they have it all together, but the truth is they don't. And at the end of the day, really God only knows what they are truly going through.

"God only knows what you've been through,

God only knows what they say about you,

God only knows how it's killing you,

But there's a kind of love that God only knows."

The amazing thing about it all is that God knows all this horrible stuff and yet He still loves me. This kind of love He only knows is more than I can fathom,  it's better than anything I could imagine.

Because there are a lot of things that I don't tell anyone about, lots of battles I face in my bedroom and in my mind. I hear what people say about me. I know what some of them think. Sometimes I let it get to me. Sometimes it's silently killing me on the inside, whatever I am going through.

So yes God only knows everything about me. And yet God is the only one who could ever truly love me. How amazing!

It's so easy to get wrapped up in the "God only knows" about the troubles I have faced or am facing at the moment. To feel rejected, let down, and cast out by the world. And yet this song urges me to focus on something else entirely. To focus on the fact that there is a love that God only knows. And so when the thoughts of "God only knows" enter my head, I force myself to finish the sentence with "God only knows" how to love me unconditionally. And I just let thoughts of His love fill my mind and chase all the bad ones away.

I'm so very grateful for the love that God only knows and that He offers it to me so freely.

"God only Knows" music video

Not Single, Free

51 days. 51 days until I turn 28. 2 years from 30. 5 years ago my life was so different. I was "attached". I had a serious boyfriend. And then 3 years ago, after 1 year of being "unattached" I tried it again and it didn't last very long. Just didn't work out. 

And the thoughts start turning. What if it's just never going to work out? What if I had one chance and I blew it? What if this is God's way of punishing me? 

All around me I see images of what my life is supposed to look like. Either career crazy or having a family-life. I don't have either, so what exactly does that make me?

Am I somehow unlovable by the opposite sex? Am I incomplete? Am I somehow...broken? 

We live in a "couple-crazy" society. It's in the books. The movies. On the covers of magazines. "Is He Really Into You?" "Are you compatible?" "Get Him to Notice You" are headlines we read in magazines. And somehow we are fed this line that with a guy we are complete and without one, well we are just single, lonely, and adrift on a sea of dashed dreams. 

I, for one, am tired of the questions and what people say. They may mean well, but meanwhile I am left over here feeling like I am somehow not good enough because I don't have a guy. Like having a guy is going to be some magical key that instantly completes me and causes these paint blotches to turn into a beautiful work of art. 

And yet it goes on.

 "How in the world can a beautiful girl like you still be single? What's wrong with those boys?"- I don't know. You tell me. But trust me, I now feel like something is wrong with me, not them. 

"Don't have a boyfriend yet? Oh well...your time will come"- oh so I can't have a time at all until I have a guy. Gee. Thanks a lot.  

"I met this guy and I think he would be just perfect for you!" - Gee, why don't you please go on about how I am a complete failure at finding my own guy? 

"Well you know, God will bring someone in His timing."- sure that sounds nice, but what if He doesn't want to bring someone? Or I am left wondering why in the world has God made me wait this long and who would He be so cruel? 

Or the lovely things that mostly the older people tell me, some who are in pretty loveless marriages I might add.

"You still don't have a boyfriend? Well girl, you know you aren't getting any younger."- Wow, I had no idea I got older each year. Thanks so much for enlightening me. And thanks for making me feel like a complete and utter failure for being single at my age. 

The thing is...why in the world is it portrayed that without a guy I am somehow broken?

I mean if I am broken, by the world's standards, then I think I kind of like it.

So many girls just choose to settle. Because they buy into the line that to be complete, to be something in this world, they need a guy. And so they struggle in love-less marriages sometimes, sitting pretty in a cage full of beautiful things. And yet their heart is in chains. Complete? I think not. They settle for less than God's best for them, because they are just so scared of being alone and are tired of what people say. 

Don't get me wrong, I dream of true love just like any girl and want that for myself one day. But that day is not today. And you know what? I don't really care. Sure I want that. I want a great godly guy. I want a family. But I am not somehow less because I don't have a guy. So please stop making me feel that way. 

I actually resent the world single. I mean it's so bland. It's like a weighted "curse word" or something in our society. It has a negative connotation. I prefer the word free.

I am free, because I don't need a guy to be satisfied. Or to be complete. I just need God. He is more than enough. 

So I may not be "attached" right now, but please don't ask me about it. If I want to talk to you about it, I will. But most of the time, I am just busy living life. So please just let me live it. And please, please, please think about what you are going to say before saying it. If you have any doubts about how it could be taken, then just keep it to yourself. 

This is my life. Not yours. I may not live it the way you want me to, but I need to live it my way. My life may not look like yours or what's in movies or magazines, but that's OK. Just let me be free....free to be me. 

A Song for Sunday: "Just Be Held"

"Your world's not falling apart,

It's falling into place.

I'm on the throne,

Stop holding on and just be held."

For some people it's Christmas that is hard. That the memories flood their minds and they can't seem to escape the pain it brings. For me, it's New Year's. I can forget most days, go about my life and kind of let it all just fade into the background. Sure it's there, but on New Year's the pain resurfaces no matter what I do. Because I won't ever be able to forget the day I got a phone call and my heart was split in two by someone I loved and trusted. 

The hard part was reliving the moments leading up to it over and over again. My mind became my worst enemy as I thought and re-thought of everything I must have done wrong and how I could done it better. I wasn't just holding on to the pain inflicted on me. I was holding on to my thoughts of what if? What if I had just been a little kinder? What if I had noticed before and prevented this from happening?

But somewhere in the silence. Somewhere in the dead of night. A voice called out to me. Calls out to me still. Telling me to stop holding on to it all. I pride myself sometimes in being strong. I am told it over and over. "Wow you are so strong." "You're one of the strongest people I know". People come to me for advice, trust me with their sorrows and struggles. And this is why I really had a hard time letting people know that I didn't really have all the answers. That I really wasn't as strong as I seemed. That underneath my strong facade was a weak, bleeding heart. 

So I held on to the grief. I relived the moments over and over again. I analyzed everything to death. And I lost sleep, had no appetite, and felt like I was walking in a fog. People kept telling me that God had a plan and I wanted to spit in their face. I was tired of hearing of God's so-called plan for my life. I didn't like it one bit and I wished everyone would stop just saying it. Because I knew it's the "cop out" Christian answer. The thing you say when you don't know what to say. Yes God has a plan, but being told that when your life has been turned upside down is not helpful...at all. 

"There are plenty of other fish in the sea" "God has someone special for you", "Well at least you found out now than after marriage". I heard it all. And every single phrase just drove the knife deeper into my heart. I felt like I was being perpetually wounded. 

And then I finally just decided I didn't care what people thought of me anymore. That I didn't have to try to be strong. The only thing strong about me was the Savior who lived in me. I had to decide to stop holding on to the grief and to all of the what ifs. I had to just let myself be held. 

I had to let Him paint beauty from these ashes. It wasn't easy. The road was not smooth. And yes my world was falling apart as I knew it, but it was also falling into place at the same time. Because I needed to learn who I was in Christ. Not who I was to this world. Or who I was to some guy. But who I was to the One who created me, the One who knows me best. 

No matter what you are going through, what valley or struggle you face...one piece of advice I would give you. I won't tell you of God's plan- you already know deep down He has a plan for good for you. And hearing that right now won't help. What I will say is that sometimes you have to just make the decision that it's ok to just be...held. Let the Savior who stretched out His arms on a tree to die for you, scoop you up in those same arms and hold you close. And don't you ever let go of Him. But even if you do, He won't ever let go of you. 

Stop holding on. And Just. Be. Held.

"Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns