Finding Joy in the Journey

I'm looking at pictures of a wedding I went to recently. Why in the world do I start crying? The wedding was beautiful. I am super happy for my friend. I say this to myself as I cringe and remember the pain like it was yesterday. The phone call. The broken engagement. 5 years down the drain. Just. Like. That. I was planning a wedding, but it never happened.

It's been about 2 1/2 years now and it still hurts at times. I am sick and tired of some telling me that the pain will go away in time. Yes- the pain lessens over time, but heart break hurts and the pain doesn't ever really go away. I won't ever forget the day when my world as I knew it came crashing down. I won't ever forget how it felt like I was dying.

I am not saying this to get pity or have you feel sorry for me. I am saying this, because someone out there needs to hear this. Someone may break your heart, but if they do, they didn't truly value it in the first place. Hold on to the Lord who is the healer of broken hearts. I can't promise the pain will go away this side of heaven. But over time, it becomes bearable and you start to actually want to live again.

Don't let anyone ever tell you that you need to just "get over it" and that you are making a big deal out of "nothing". It was not "nothing" and yes move on with your life, but know that it's going to be a journey of more than just one step. The journey is hard, but it's worth it and you'll learn a lot.

The biggest lessons I learned from all of this:

You do NOT need a man to be successful (or woman if you are a guy). So you're in your 20's and not married. Guess what? There are other things you can do besides dating or getting married. You can make a difference. You can do lots of things married couples really can't. Now is your chance, so make the most of every moment.

The people who don't want you in their life are not worth it. Just trust me. I mean they are not worth you trying to force them into liking you. I am totally guilty of trying to be a people-pleaser. But the Lord is teaching me to let that go. Because I need to be a God-pleaser, not a people-pleaser. If I am pleasing the Lord and being kind to others, that's all that matters. That's what I should be worried about. Instead try hanging out with people who actually WANT you in their life. It's refreshing and so uplifting. As for the others, just walk away, pray for them and let them go their merry way. You can still be kind at a distance.

And my favorite lesson: Sometimes God allows us to endure heartache so He can bring us to something so much better. I did not want my engagement to end 2 1/2 years ago. I was head over heels. I loved the guy. I would have done ANYTHING for him. And whoa, that's kind of dangerous now when I look back on it and think about it. Did God save me from something that would probably have been miserable? YES. It felt like the life was being sucked out of me. I honestly did not want to live, I just wanted Jesus to take me home.

And yet....I would not be teaching Kindergarten in Florida if this break up hadn't happened. I would not have been able to touch the children's lives at Good Shepherd and at the church I now attend. I would not be able to watch the kids I nanny anymore. God wanted to save me from a miserable marriage. But He also wanted me to be here touching lives in this community.

If I meet a guy one day and get married, that will be awesome. But for now, I've got kids to watch, children to teach and lives to change. I am learning to be content where God has placed me and what He has called me to be. Not to mention, it's really fun getting to make a difference in the life of a child.

So I smile through the tears, because I know God has His fingerprints ALL OVER THIS. And the journey may be hard, but there's joy in the journey :)

1 in 700,000

I am jolted awake again

My heart is racing.

I take a deep breath,

It's just a dream I say, but it's a lie.

It's a memory buried so deep and long that I forgot it.

But it's returned with a vengeance.

It plays over and over in my mind.

I blink and my mind goes back,

Back to the day when survival meant

A whole different thing.

He fought in a war, battles,

Protector of our freedom.

But he brought the war back with him.

I guess he took it out on us or maybe he

Just hated us. 

Other kids were scared to walk outside their home

Into a cruel world.

Their battlefield was the world.

I was scared some days to enter my home.

My battlefield was inside my own front door.

The one person who was supposed to love and protect us,

Was cruel, harsh, and cold.

I watched him take someone's spirit, someone's joy

And sqaush it,

With the satisfaction of getting rid of an unwanted bug. 

I watched the light go out of my mom's eyes, out of my brother's

And then slowly,

Mine.

No one really knew- 

We made the "perfect" picture outside our walls.

But inside, we were bleeding,

Broken. 

This man who could seem so nice was a monster to us.

Playing Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

And you never knew which character

Would walk through the door that day.

Nights when I was at my lowest,

I glanced over at my pillow and thought

How easy it would be to end it all.

I played scenarios in my head of the easiest, most painless ways to slip away.

But then I would shake my head

And tell myself, this is so not right.

I am just a child. 

I should not have these thoughts.

So I cried myself to sleep\

And got up again the next day.

Another round in the ring-

More scars that no one saw and

No one would ever notice. 

I hate being so vulnerable to rip back the walls and let people see this part of me. It's painful, but sometimes God brings such beauty through the pain. Maybe you were not aware, but around 700,000 children in the United States are abused annually. These are just the reported cases. Domestic violence happens in even the "nicest" families. The psychological effects it has on these children into adulthood is huge. 

Always be looking for those who are afraid to speak out of what may happen behind closed doors. I went to public school and no one ever noticed. Or if they did, they never said anything. I am just 1 person, many other children experience the painful reality of being scared to go home. Be a voice for those who have none. Always speak out for the victims. 

Because you would never want it to happen to your child,

So why should it happen to any child?

I am always watching, always looking to see the signs in any students of mine that walk through the door. Because sometimes, they can be really hard to detect. And because I know what it's like to be there.