I'm not very good at the trust thing. Call it life. Call it unfortunate circumstances, but it seems like my life has been a series of trust being broken. When I decide to open myself up to someone, I open up completely and trust with my whole heart. This is just the way God made me and it's not a bad thing necessarily, but it sure does cut like a knife when those who I open up to decide to betray my trust. Funny thing is that I continue to place my trust in mere mortals, who mess up and sin, just as I do. And yet I get frustrated, upset, and mostly sad when they hurt me. Most of my life has been filled with me trying to place my trust in people who are not worthy of it.
Let's get this straight. No person on this whole planet is worthy of my trust and I am certainly not worthy of yours. On my good days, I am kind and compassionate. But on my bad days, I lie and manipulate, judge and wound with my words. Yet, I still place my trust in some people. There are not many who I open up to completely anymore, because I have been hurt so many times before. And yet if I do open myself up completely to you, that truly means something coming from me. I tend to share what I am feeling with others, but I only open up the deepest parts of myself to those whom I decide to place my trust in. This isn't easy for me. And if I do open up to you, it's because I consider you somewhat worthy of the risk I am taking. For I know I am taking a risk.
I take a risk each time I open my heart up. The risk to have it betrayed, torn, cut, and ripped in two. And yet for some people I still take this risk. There was a time when I shut my heart off to everyone. I was deeply wounded by someone I loved and held very dear to my heart. Instead of reaching out to others, I decided it was better to close myself off from the world. Those were some of the most horrible years of my life. Because a life where you cut yourself off from love is no life at all. Sure love comes with its' risks and heartaches, but it also comes with joy and laughter. Without love, well that's just no life at all. I know, because I lived it. I held people at bay by being sarcastic and sometimes the habit still shows itself at my weak moments. I thought that I needed to keep people as far away from my heart in order to never be hurt again. Thing is life really isn't worth living if you don't take the risk of love.
The reason I began to let some people in was because of my Savior, Jesus Christ. When I place my trust completely in Him, who was wounded for me and who would never betray me, I am able to trust others. It still is a difficult task for me and there's always the slight bit of doubt that the person I am trusting will betray me. And if they do betray me, it takes me a while to learn to trust somebody else again. And yet God continues to pour out grace on me and lovingly teaches me all over again how to love and trust. Sometimes the process can be painful, but what joy it brings in the end. When I place my focus on the One who will never betray my trust, I am made whole.
My pastor once said "The church would be perfect if you weren't in it" and this statement rings true, no matter where you go. I think people fail to remember that we are all human and we are all flawed, whether we go to church or not. We are like filthy rags, every single last one of us. The only thing that makes me and you (if you have accepted Jesus into your heart) different from everybody else is that Jesus' blood has washed us clean. That's it. Apart from that we are just like every other person living on this planet. Let me break it down for you.
Let's say there are two people who are neighbors. One named Linda who attends church every time it's open, serves on committees, teaches Sunday School and seems like the model saint. Then there is Sally who is 19 and pregnant, unwed, parties and drinks like there is no tomorrow and seems like the worst sinner. And yet, they both die one day, come to the gates of heaven and are told some of the saddest words in history "Depart from me, I never knew you." They seemed so different during their lifetime, but really they were just the same. They were both sinners in need of a Savior, but neither of them ever accepted Jesus as their Savior and so they were eternally separated from God. It didn't matter that Linda went to church every time the doors were open or that she did all these good things, because the Lord tells us that our righteousness, or our good works, are like filthy rags before Him (Isaiah 64:6). Without surrendering our life to Him and letting His blood cleanse our sin, we are hell-bound.
And so we enter churches, thinking that these so-called Christians are always going to be so loving and kind to us. Ha! Even if we have been washed by Jesus' blood, we still sin. And let's be honest here. We all mess up daily. Have you always been loving and kind to others? I think not. And so I am not sure why we get so shocked when others mess up around us, whether they claim Christ as their Savior or not. Sure it can really hurt sometimes,but it's not a one-way street. The traffic of sins travels both ways. It's not everyone out to get me. It's that we all mess up and hurt each other from time to time.
I have been attending the same church since I was 5 years old. I have been a member there for about 19 years. A lot of people think I must go to the greatest church ever to have stayed there that long. I wish I could say that was true, but it's not. I love my church, but nothing this side of heaven is the greatest church ever. I have watched many people get hurt by others in my church and I have watched many leave. I have had my own heart broken by people inside the church and I have had to apologize a few times to people I have wounded there. The church is not a perfect place. It can be very messy. Why? Because it's filled with sinners. The church is not a museum for saints, but a hospital for sinners. And I sure wish more people looked at it this way.
I used to really look up to some people at my church, but a little bit of my trust in them has been broken. Time passes, people get hurt, and my heart breaks watching others get wounded. I think the saying "Ignorance is bliss" rings a bit true, because I sure wish I didn't know everything I do know about some people in church. It would be much better to go back to when I was a kid and everyone just seemed great. But that can't happen. I struggled with this for a while. I have many friends who don't attend my church anymore and I don't fault them for that. They are serving the Lord in other places and I am happy for them. But in a way, I kind of feel like they look at me and wonder when I will be leaving. And thing is, I really considered it for a while. It broke my heart to even consider it, because I grew up there. But I wanted to seek what the Lord would have me do and not just go by my feelings. And so I waited. And prayed.
And one day I was sitting in service and was really struggling to pay attention when God reminded me of the day I gave my life to Christ in that church when I was 8 years old. And then He brought to mind all the things those same people who have wounded me and wounded others did to help us when we went through some valleys in our life. I started thinking, you know it sure would be nice to just focus on the positive and not the negative. I can't pretend that those people didn't hurt me or others, but I can forgive them and move on. And so I did. I refuse to let something like that steal my joy. I won't look at those people the same as I used to, but I won't think any less of them than I do of myself. Because we all mess up and we all are in need of God's amazing grace.
