Ready to hear my lifelong secret? Something very few, if any know? Here it is.....I love orange Popsicle's. I'm sure you are going, what that's it? That's lame! haha but no that's not it- just felt like throwing that in there. I don't even know why I'm doing this, just had a sudden urge to write and this is what came to mind. What I am about to tell you (in more than one blog post) is just a story- it just happens to be my life story. For so long I kept it all inside, for once I really have learned to not care what people think. Take this story as you want. I'm not asking for pity- that's not why I'm writing. I simply just felt like letting it out...who knows maybe somehow somebody can learn from it.
So many times I hear people tell me "you are wise beyond your years" or "what great wisdom you have for such a young age." Beyond my years, in some aspects, perhaps. But me, wise? Me who is so clumsy I hit my head with the vacuum cleaner today when I bent down to try and fix the cord? The one who deep down is afraid that no matter how someone may say they love her- they will only end up abandoning her, leaving her alone? The one who can seem so tough on the outside, but crumbles on the inside? Wise? I certainly don't think so. But perhaps the reason why people tell me I am "wise beyond my years" is because in my 19 years I've seen a lot of life. More than most perhaps in their 30's. No I am not some Concentration Camp victim, I wasn't physically assaulted....I've just seen a lot of life- the good, the bad, the ugly. I am not trying to say I have had the worst life possible. I am just telling the story how it happened...I'll let the story do it's work.
I can't tell everything...there is just too many memories to account for. It would take a lifetime. Only one person one day will perhaps hear me tell all these stories over the course of time. Not that he would really want to hear all the stories I would have to tell, but they did make me who I am today. Despite what has happened in my life I have learned to move on, look up, and always keep moving forward. The memories come back to haunt me sometimes, but I always remember my God who carries my burdens so I don't have to, and I no longer try to carry them on my own. I did that for too long and in the end, it did nothing but drag me down.
My story starts at a girl who was just learning to embrace childhood, before it was so quickly snatched away. So I don't really think I am wise, but perhaps I am "beyond my years"- for one day quickly changed everything in my life and I grew up, what most tell me, too fast. It's not like my childhood was all that bad. I had friends, a nice home, clothes, food, toys to play with, a Mom who loved me and took care of me, a big Brother, and a Dad I somehow adored. I never really knew how I came about to be a Daddy's girl, because he wasn't ever home that much. Most of the time he was on TDY with the Air Force. I barely remember him in my early years, but somehow I was just attached to my Dad or at least I wished to be. This was the man I loved yet was scared of. He would bring me presents from overseas and when I accidentally broke the bracelet with the painted glass from Italy- I remember hiding it so he wouldn't find out. I was so scared of getting the belt. And yet I loved the gifts he got me. I still keep some of them in a box and take them out from time to time, yet the box is filled with some painful memories too so it's not very often I dig them up- because with the good comes the bad. That's just how the story of my life played out.
And so as the days follow, I will be spilling out the story of me. Follow along if you'd like. I am merely going to write as the words come and as others have said before, "let the story tell itself."
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