It's been 6 months, going on 7 since my heart was broken at the beginning of the year. People said it would get easier over time. And it has. But it hasn't completely gone away. I wish it had, but thing is I can't rush the healing process. Some things just take time and nothing I can do will speed them up. There are measures I can take to help with the healing process, but nothing much I can do to make it go any faster than it is.
Thing is there really isn't anything that I can do or that any other person can do. I have had countless people tell me that "Oh, well everything happens for a reason" and "God has a plan". Truth is, those statements don't really help. Oh, I know they are just trying to be helpful and they are true statements. I know them to be true. But I can usually tell when people are just saying them because they feel awkward and they aren't sure what to do. I wish they all knew I am not looking for them to do anything. The truth is, they can't. No one; not me, my parents, or my very best friends can take this pain away. They can help me to forget it sometimes for a while, but they can't get rid of it for me and I am not asking them to.
I don't think it will ever really go away completely, but I don't want it to. I did at first and this may sound crazy, but that pain makes me who I am. It makes me realize that I need to focus more on the people who love me and that I love, than on those who wish not to have me as a part of their life. I would much rather just focus on the people who do want me in their life. I can't make anyone like me. But it's nice to know there are some people out there who do, despite all my flaws and failures. It humbles me and makes me extremely grateful.
I have my moments of sorrow, but mostly when I remember now I feel a little numb. Like I know it happened to me, but it feels like it happened in a different lifetime when I was not quite who I really am. Perhaps this is just a stage in the healing process. I must say it's a lot better than crying every time I remember. That was starting to get old. Sure, I still get depressed sometimes. What happened threw me for a loop and I am still trying to adjust to the new reality of my life. However, the Lord has poured His grace upon my life in abundance and I am so grateful. I have 2 jobs that I adore, the best friends anyone could ever ask for, a family that supports me, and a wonderful church family who lifts me up. So what if my heart has been broken? Whose heart hasn't been?
I choose to let the Lord use this broken heart of mine for His glory. Somehow. Someway. Not sure how He will accomplish that, but I know He can and I know He will. So I didn't expect this to happen to me, but that's ok. Nothing surprises Him and thankfully He's steering the course of my life. He knows where we are going and He isn't going to leave me stranded. That's all I really need to know.
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