Finding Someone to Trust

I'm not very good at the trust thing. Call it life. Call it unfortunate circumstances, but it seems like my life has been a series of trust being broken. When I decide to open myself up to someone, I open up completely and trust with my whole heart. This is just the way God made me and it's not a bad thing necessarily, but it sure does cut like a knife when those who I open up to decide to betray my trust. Funny thing is that I continue to place my trust in mere mortals, who mess up and sin, just as I do. And yet I get frustrated, upset, and mostly sad when they hurt me. Most of my life has been filled with me trying to place my trust in people who are not worthy of it. 

Let's get this straight. No person on this whole planet is worthy of my trust and I am certainly not worthy of yours. On my good days, I am kind and compassionate. But on my bad days, I lie and manipulate, judge and wound with my words. Yet, I still place my trust in some people. There are not many who I open up to completely anymore, because I have been hurt so many times before. And yet if I do open myself up completely to you, that truly means something coming from me. I tend to share what I am feeling with others, but I only open up the deepest parts of myself to those whom I decide to place my trust in. This isn't easy for me. And if I do open up to you, it's because I consider you somewhat worthy of the risk I am taking. For I know I am taking a risk. 

I take a risk each time I open my heart up. The risk to have it betrayed, torn, cut, and ripped in two. And yet for some people I still take this risk. There was a time when I shut my heart off to everyone. I was deeply wounded by someone I loved and held very dear to my heart. Instead of reaching out to others, I decided it was better to close myself off from the world. Those were some of the most horrible years of my life. Because a life where you cut yourself off from love is no life at all. Sure love comes with its' risks and heartaches, but it also comes with joy and laughter. Without love, well that's just no life at all. I know, because I lived it. I held people at bay by being sarcastic and sometimes the habit still shows itself at my weak moments. I thought that I needed to keep people as far away from my heart in order to never be hurt again. Thing is life really isn't worth living if you don't take the risk of love. 

The reason I began to let some people in was because of my Savior, Jesus Christ. When I place my trust completely in Him, who was wounded for me and who would never betray me, I am able to trust others. It still is a difficult task for me and there's always the slight bit of doubt that the person I am trusting will betray me. And if they do betray me, it takes me a while to learn to trust somebody else again. And yet God continues to pour out grace on me and lovingly teaches me all over again how to love and trust. Sometimes the process can be painful, but what joy it brings in the end. When I place my focus on the One who will never betray my trust, I am made whole.