Such Were Some of You

I place my hand on the mirror, stare into the eyes of the face looking back at me and step back a little startled. I thought I had left everything behind me. Instead of a 25 year old woman staring back at me, why do I see the face of a 9 year old girl, struggling to breathe in the chaos of her life? For just a moment I flicker and start to wilt, my eyes becoming pools. And then just like that, the image is gone and my 25 year old self is again staring back at me. My eyes glass over like stone, cold as ice.

I once believed that everything in my past I had completely left behind.  That it didn't really affect me. While I have moved on from the past, I am starting to realize more and more lately just how much that past has defined me. I can't ever totally get away from it. I guess you really can't outgrow some things, you just learn to cope with it or deal with it in the best way possible. I didn't know at 9 years old when my home life was falling apart that it would have such a lasting effect on me. I didn't really know that until I read an article a while back, stepped back and prayed about the decisions I had made and came face to face with the real me.

More and more every day I am seeing just how much I need Christ in my every moment. To rescue me. Not from the ones who lied, broke promises, and wounded me. But to rescue me from myself, who has done the same if not worse. I thought it was silly to think that events that took place when I was just a child could influence my life so much. And then I stumbled across an article of characteristics of children who grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent. I scoffed about it at first and then as I started to read, I was wondering if the author had peeked into my life and wrote the article about me.

It made me come face to face with realities that I didn't even fully realize were evident in my life. It made me ever so much more grateful for God's grace. And it made me see how wrong I have been for so many years and wonder why I never saw it before.

I hate being the victim. I once was a victim, helpless to the chaos around me. And so I have become a type of control freak. I like control. I like to be in charge. When I am not in charge, I start to panic. I love order. When things are not in order, anxiety kicks in like crazy. I am nowhere where I used to be in this regard, but I am still very much a control freak. I like to be the one helping others. If someone needs rescuing, I am happy to comply and help. However, I have a hard time admitting that I need help because I don't like to be the one who needs saving.

Because I like order so much, I do not do well with change. Whenever a major change happens in my life, I deal with depression and anxiety. I don't mean just the type where you worry some and maybe have a good cry. I mean the type where I lose sleep and get sick because I am so anxious. Even small changes to my day can bring about a type of anxiety. I am learning to cope, but I don't think I will ever just be absolutely fine with change.

I like order, control, and schedules. When people in my life do not fall under this pattern, I freak out. When it all comes down to it, if I can't control you, save you, or manipulate you in some way then I really want nothing to do with you. This is sick. This is me in my flesh. And praise God, this is NOT who I am today.

In my flesh, I am rotten, stinking filth. I wound people with my words, I lie to save face, and the reality of my sins keep me awake some nights. I cry thinking of the things I have said and done to others. When it all comes down to it, the hardest thing is for me to forgive myself. I will try to make things right with those I have wronged and I know it's washed clean by the blood of Jesus. But I let it hang over my head and beat myself up with it. When I do this, it's as if His death were in vain. It's as if I don't believe that He died for every one of my sins, has washed me and made me clean.

I am so grateful that the Lord has since taken the blinders off my eyes, has enabled me to see truth, and has set me free from feeling this way. I still wrestle with it from time to time. But when I do, I repeat this verse to myself and let its' beautiful truth wash over me. "And such were some of you: but you are washed, but you are sanctified, but you are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God".- 1 Corinthians 6:11

Praise God for His son Jesus and for His great grace which washes over me daily. I don't have to be the hurt, confused and conflicted 9 year old girl anymore. God has brought me a long way and while I will never fully get away from everything that happened to me in my past, it doesn't have to own me anymore. I don't belong to it. I belong to Him. And that, my friends, is such a beautiful thing.