It's Ok To Not Understand

I turned in my keys today. The ones that let me into one of the best places I have ever worked. I loaded up the rest of my classroom items and they are either in cars or my house. As I turned around to look back at my classroom, I did my best to hold back the tears. I remembered the day my darling students walked in the door, 5 years old and nervous, not sure what to expect. And I remember all the fun times we had and how we laughed, talked, went on adventures, and got to know one another better and better. I recall the last day when many of them didn't want to leave my classroom, 6 years old and full of dreams. How they couldn't read when they walked into my classroom, but were reading either on grade level or above when they left. 

I will miss getting to see the change from the beginning of the school year to the end. I will miss getting to set up a classroom and all the brand new school supplies. And most of all, I will miss having those children walk through my classroom door to greet me each morning. 

I know God gave me the opportunity to work there and part of me questions "Why are you taking this job away from me?" I worked so hard and I did well. He called me to teach. So why was this door shut? 

I really don't understand why. But that's ok. I may never understand exactly why. But I know He has a plan. It may not be what I expect or desire, but maybe He just wanted me to teach there for a season. Perhaps He is leading me to touch someone else's lives that I need to touch. I have to remind myself this as the tears threaten to spill, I want to scream, and I am searching for a comedy to relieve some of my pent up frustration. 

These past 2 1/2 years have been hard. I have been shifted in so many different directions. My life has changed drastically quite a few times. And there are a lot of times I am asking God, "Why?" He continues to lovingly whisper to me and remind me that I don't need to know why, I just need to trust Him and follow. Sometimes I dig in my heels and refuse, but this gets me nowhere and I always end up relenting with a heavier heart because I resisted. 

I was supposed to get married. That didn't happen. I was supposed to get a teaching job after moving. That didn't happen. I taught VPK for 2 years at a place I wasn't exactly thrilled to work at. I got a teaching job, only to have it one year and not be able to do it this year. In the mix of all that, my grandpa had a heart attack, my other grandparents were diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and my dad got incarcerated yet again. I look at all this and think gosh, I just can't win. Sometimes it's more than I can bear. And I don't understand. 

But....It's ok to not understand. He will hold me as I am hurting and continue to grow me as I walk forward. I may be crawling sometimes, tired from the fight, but I will do my best to press on and persevere in Him. 

Sorry, Satan but you can't have me...not today and not tomorrow either. I belong to the King of Kings and I don't have to understand everything. I just need to rest in the fact that He does.