Beauty in the Ashes

I have learned to find beauty in all sorts of places where most people wouldn't dare to go looking for it. Not by choice, but just as I walk through this life. This world can be so painful and full of agony, but if I have learned one thing...it's that I have learned to find beauty even in the ashes. 

Late at night. I glance to my left and see the closed door, but it doesn't shut everything out. I clench my pillow, cry silent tears and my heart breaks as my family falls apart. Ashes. 

Yet, I hear a voice call out to me- God lowers His hand to mine and I take it. I whisper words to a praise hymn and I finally drift to sleep, silent tears pouring down. Beauty in the ashes.

I walk through the door, in shock, confused, and hurting. My world rocked upside down once again all in the matter of a drive home from work. My heart is bleeding. I ache. I feel unworthy. I look at the car and shudder. I don't even want to drive one anymore. Ashes. Dark, painful ashes. 

Yet, I cling to His word on nights when I can't sleep and the enemy comes back to haunt me. There I find solace and rest. I relate to those saints of old who had terrible things happen by their hand through some awful accident and God still opened His arms to them. And He opens His arms to me. Beauty in the dark, painful ashes.

I get off the phone and drop to the floor in deep, painful sobs. I can't stop. My heart is ripping in two. Just four words that rocked my world upside down all over again. It even hurts to breathe. I dedicated all of myself to one and that trust was broken, shattered into a million pieces. Who could I trust if not him? No one died, but it felt like someone had and I wanted to. Ashes. Heart breaking, life changing ashes. 

Yet, I eventually get off that floor and get back up. The Lord carries me for a time and then teaches me how to fight for myself and I am wounded yes, but I am stronger. I cling to His loyalty, because the truth is no one else really deserves my trust like He does. Because He's the only one who could really earn it. I learn more about who He is and how great a word forgiveness is. Beauty in the heart breaking, life changing ashes. 

I lay in bed, wrestling with the Lord. My eyes have been opened and it's so painful. To obey would be uncomfortable, but to disobey would be miserable. People I grew up trusting no longer have my trust and it hurts. I cry at night thinking of all the ones pushed out and I stood by and did nothing. I was fed the lies and I believed them. It makes me sick. I step out and do what the Lord has called me to, but it comes at a high price. People I thought were my friends turn their backs, I am unsure of who to trust and who I can talk to in true confidence. My heart aches like nothing I have ever known before. It wasn't an easy decision, but it was needed. Ashes. Soul aching, spirit moving ashes. 

Yet, I come to a place where I once again have to trust Him completely. Not men. Not churches. Not organizations. Not ministers. Just Him. And He is enough. I grow more than I ever thought possible and I push through the soil once again, to flourish under His guidance. Through it all, I have grown closer to the Lord than I ever was. Oh such beauty. Beauty in the soul aching, spirit moving ashes.

There are times in life when we just have to trudge through the ashes, no matter how deep and dark they are. Because, my friend, I can promise you one thing. If you are willing, you will encounter beauty in the ashes too. It will come in a simple kind word from a stranger, a thoughtful gesture from a friend, a hand reaching out to help, a heart opening up to love, or merely in the sun that rises again day after day. Beauty, yes, even in the ashes. 

"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified.” - Isaiah 61:3