A Song for Sunday: Before the Morning

I don't like the night. Give me the sunshine. Give me the day. Give me the business that keeps me from stopping to think. Give me the agendas, the to-do lists, the work, the chores, the escapes. 

Because when night comes, when I don't pass out from mere exhaustion, my mind starts to wander and think and remember. And I don't like that. I lay in bed and battle with my mind, my emotions and beg for sleep to come so I can escape it all. Problem is I'm a night owl. I do some of my best thinking at night and my mind gets a second wind and I am wide awake. This can be a good thing and a dangerous thing. Depends on the night. 

I can't wish it away or pray it away. Sometimes we just have to walk through dark moments, no...dark seasons before the day dawns. Before the morning. I don't understand it. I hate panic attacks. I hate anxiety. I hate when people seem to think it's just mind over matter and I could wish it away if I wanted to. I can't wish it away. Because I can't forget. I can't free myself ever. There were always be a tiny bit of fear at the back of my mind. It drives me in a way. It makes me cautious. It makes me consider things I might not if I hadn't experienced what I did. 

Don't get me wrong. I don't let fear completely drive me. I know Satan is a liar and he comes to steal, kill, destroy. I battle with my spirit just like anyone. I run to Jesus and let His words provide me with a healing balm. Like medicine to my soul. But I experienced things that make me think twice before trusting anyone and cause me to tread lightly when opening up to people. I may seem open, but so many layers of me are not revealed to anyone. Because they are dark and messy and I don't even know how to cope with it allS so I don't want to invite anyone else to that struggle. 

I know others walk through deep valleys and battle like I do, some in deeper battles than others, some in darker valleys than I am. Josh Wilson's song "Before the Morning" has lyrics that cause me to break down and cry tears of thankfulness. 

I know the pain that I've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming. Little joys on earth. A child's hand in mine. A squeal of delight from one I love just to see me. A friend to confide in, laugh with, cry with.  The greatest joy to come one day when I see my Jesus face to face. And I know I still have a reason to sing. Always. Even in the darkest nights. 

So on the nights of anguish, I will lift my voice and sing to my Creator. Like I have since I was 8. Like I did to "drown" out the screaming. Like I did with tears pouring down my face when my heart was broken. Like I did when God's direction seemed to be opposite of what most everyone else was saying and I just didn't know. 

Once again I am at a crossroads. My future is uncertain. I don't even know what I will be doing in August yet. What job I will have. I am pursuing options, applications, interview possibilities, paper work. I am putting myself out there over and over again. I know He will lead me to what He wants me to do. But right now there are so many possibilities. And this whole not knowing thing is for the birds. It's daunting. 

But "Maybe there are things (I) can't see, And all those things are happening to bring a better ending". Because I know my ultimate ending. I know that this pain will fade one day and it's just the dark...the dark before the morning. 

Click on the link below to see the official music video to the song "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson. Let the words seep into your soul. Yes, you still have a reason to sing. 

Josh Wilson's "Before the Morning"