A Song for Sunday: "Losing"

Is there anyone who did not get to go home because of you? Do you know what that feels like?

I do.

It was an accident. A terrible vehicle accident. I didn't mean to. I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't see him. But I ran into him.

And because of me, he didn't make it home that night. He didn't make it home any night after that.

Lights flashing. Sirens wailing. Police questioning. My heart stopping. The shock. The confusion. The pain.

I didn't even know his name. I didn't know him. But because of me, he is dead.

Some things are just too heavy. It's been almost 9 years, yet I still remember that day. I won't ever forget...

I don't like to talk about it. I would rather just bury the memory in the recesses of my mind. Tucked away, secret, not to come out. Yet from all that, I learned a valuable lesson in forgiveness.

The man's wife contacted my family a few months after it happened and wanted to speak with me. I didn't want to meet her. I didn't want to look her in the eyes. I was the reason her husband did not come home that night. I was ashamed.

I was told I needed to. That it would bring closure. I went only because my family pushed me to. I tried to make myself feel numb. She looked me in the eye and told me she forgave me. I had to look away. I don't think I even cried. She said she didn't blame me. I thought, well that's realllly nice, but I do. I blame me.

She handed me her husband's funeral announcement and I didn't know what to do. She shared with me about him and that it was just his time to go. I will never really know.

What haunted me at night was that he may not have known Jesus and I put him in his grave. It made me want to share with everyone about Jesus all the more. It also made me want to die myself. I used to ask God why He didn't let me die instead. I was ready to meet Jesus, I have no idea if he was.

The ability for that woman to forgive me after such a tragedy taught me so much. It made me more open to forgiving others who wrong me. Though it's not easy, they certainly didn't put someone I love in the grave. I did that and she forgave me. I didn't cry when she said it, but I broke down afterwards. I just couldn't take it. How could she forgive me? After what I did? It was too heavy.

But then again, how could Jesus forgive us? After what we have done? That is way heavy. I went through this journey of seeking forgiveness, but learning that I needed to forgive myself. I am still not sure if I am all the way there. But I know He died for this too. And maybe all that happened to teach me a big lesson in forgiveness. I will never know.

The song "Losing" by Tenth Avenue North comes on the radio and I sob. Because I am also called to forgive others. And it's not easy. It's really hard. And yet I know, that I am the one really losing if I don't forgive.

They may not say sorry. They may continue to do it. And yet I am called to forgive. 70 times 7 times. "Lord, give me grace to forgive them. For I feel like the one losing."

Losing Music Video