"Your world's not falling apart,
It's falling into place.
I'm on the throne,
Stop holding on and just be held."
For some people it's Christmas that is hard. That the memories flood their minds and they can't seem to escape the pain it brings. For me, it's New Year's. I can forget most days, go about my life and kind of let it all just fade into the background. Sure it's there, but on New Year's the pain resurfaces no matter what I do. Because I won't ever be able to forget the day I got a phone call and my heart was split in two by someone I loved and trusted.
The hard part was reliving the moments leading up to it over and over again. My mind became my worst enemy as I thought and re-thought of everything I must have done wrong and how I could done it better. I wasn't just holding on to the pain inflicted on me. I was holding on to my thoughts of what if? What if I had just been a little kinder? What if I had noticed before and prevented this from happening?
But somewhere in the silence. Somewhere in the dead of night. A voice called out to me. Calls out to me still. Telling me to stop holding on to it all. I pride myself sometimes in being strong. I am told it over and over. "Wow you are so strong." "You're one of the strongest people I know". People come to me for advice, trust me with their sorrows and struggles. And this is why I really had a hard time letting people know that I didn't really have all the answers. That I really wasn't as strong as I seemed. That underneath my strong facade was a weak, bleeding heart.
So I held on to the grief. I relived the moments over and over again. I analyzed everything to death. And I lost sleep, had no appetite, and felt like I was walking in a fog. People kept telling me that God had a plan and I wanted to spit in their face. I was tired of hearing of God's so-called plan for my life. I didn't like it one bit and I wished everyone would stop just saying it. Because I knew it's the "cop out" Christian answer. The thing you say when you don't know what to say. Yes God has a plan, but being told that when your life has been turned upside down is not helpful...at all.
"There are plenty of other fish in the sea" "God has someone special for you", "Well at least you found out now than after marriage". I heard it all. And every single phrase just drove the knife deeper into my heart. I felt like I was being perpetually wounded.
And then I finally just decided I didn't care what people thought of me anymore. That I didn't have to try to be strong. The only thing strong about me was the Savior who lived in me. I had to decide to stop holding on to the grief and to all of the what ifs. I had to just let myself be held.
I had to let Him paint beauty from these ashes. It wasn't easy. The road was not smooth. And yes my world was falling apart as I knew it, but it was also falling into place at the same time. Because I needed to learn who I was in Christ. Not who I was to this world. Or who I was to some guy. But who I was to the One who created me, the One who knows me best.
No matter what you are going through, what valley or struggle you face...one piece of advice I would give you. I won't tell you of God's plan- you already know deep down He has a plan for good for you. And hearing that right now won't help. What I will say is that sometimes you have to just make the decision that it's ok to just be...held. Let the Savior who stretched out His arms on a tree to die for you, scoop you up in those same arms and hold you close. And don't you ever let go of Him. But even if you do, He won't ever let go of you.
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