Change

Change. My life used to be a constant swirl of it. It was unpredictable, ever-flowing and relentless. I had no control over it whatsoever. We seldom do. But this was not normal.

I never knew what aspect of life was going to hit me that day. Or what type of person or personality type would walk through the door. Or if I would be comforting a parent again that night. Or being yelled at. Or having the empty silence of absence. 

I became a type of control freak when it came to school. My grades and my academics I did have a say over. I didn't have a say over anything else in my life. So it felt good to push myself hard into the books and excel in school. 

Looking back on my past and my childhood experiences, it's not hard to see why I have such a difficult time with big changes in my life. 

It used to be worse. I am getting much better, by the grace of God. Thank goodness, I no longer have the bouts of sleepless nights and getting sick over worry right before a big change occurred. 

But I still have a difficult time with big changes. I cope with them the best I know how. But I was never really taught the proper way to deal with them, so sometimes my performance at dealing is sub-par at best. 

Change can be a good thing. But when too many changes are thrown at me all at once, I feel like I am drowning and I can't breathe. I know I just need time to get my bearings. I want to ease into the change and the adjustments of life. I hate being tossed in a sea of it, with the tempests seeming to crash over my head. 

And yet sometimes God allows me to be thrown into the sea of change. I'm not always sure why. Maybe it's to teach me that I need to rely on Him more. Maybe it's to show me that even when I act like I have it all together, that I really don't. And that, that's ok. Sometimes I have to just lay my head back, push my body up and float on the tempests. Ride out the waves of change and let it carry me where it will.

Because sometimes God is trying to take me somewhere I would not normally go on my own. But it's somewhere I need to be. To either touch someone else's life or have someone touch mine. Or maybe both. And it can be a beautiful thing. Like the calm and stillness after a raging storm. And usually the worst raging storm is inside of me, wanting to fight against all the change. 

And most importantly, I think God allows all the change to come to remind me that I am not in control. I, in my flesh, love to be in control. But it's He, who allows the change, guides the seas, and directs my life, who is in control of it all. 

So Lord break down my sinful heart and my pride. Help me not to rely on my own strength. But to remember that only with You I am strong. Let me embrace the changes as they come if they are of You. Help me not to fight against the tide, but to ride it out and see where the journey will take me.