Hope Even After a Betrayal

I was supposed to be doing wedding planning now for early next year. It's when we were going to tie the knot. I had a lovely fiance and I loved him completely. Until the day about 3 months ago when he called me and said the four dreaded words to anyone in a relationship: "We need to talk." 

This was not just some passing fling or high school romance. We weren't just dating, we were engaged. And get this, we had been together for 5 years and engaged for 4. We had to wait for the wedding due to school. I trusted my heart completely to him and he broke it. 

At first, I was in shock. And then the pain hit me like a crashing tidal wave. When you have been with someone for this long and are committed this much, it definitely is unexpected to have a break-up. Not now after all you two had been through. 

I begged him to come back. I thought for some reason that everything would just be better if he changed his mind and decided to work it out. To be honest, I just didn't want to deal with the pain. 

At first I clung to the false hope that he would come around and call me back saying how sorry he was. And I would have been a fool and taken him back just like that. Why? Because I loved him.  And even though he wounded me like no one else ever has, I still love him. 

Yes I hate what he did. And I get angry at him. I deal with feelings of betrayal, hurt, and frustration. So yes I still love him, but it's not the same. 

When I think of him, I no longer feel a joy in my heart and have a smile on my face. Instead I usually cry, because of the pain he inflicted on me. And a lot of times I pray for him. Because I know he needs it and I know I need it. Because if I don't, I know I will get bitter. And I can't let that happen.

In all of this, God has poured out such great grace on me. Just as He always does. I have come to grips with my shortcomings and failures. I have realized how us getting married the way we were would probably have been a mistake. Does this mean I understand why he did what he did? Or condone how he did it? No way.

 I do know that God allows things to happen to accomplish His bigger plan. And apparently he and I together were not part of that plan. I don't regret us being together, because I learned a lot. But I do regret some of my decisions. Thank God for His forgiveness and grace. Without it, I would be so lost.

I don't think that what he did was right. The way he went about it was wrong. It should have been done in person and he should have told me a lot sooner. But then again, there are a lot of things I should have done as well that I didn't do. So am I going to keep focusing on that? No. Instead I am just going to let His blood wash over all of it and move on. 

The thing is Jesus knows what it's like to be betrayed by someone He loves. Judas Iscariot betrayed him with a kiss in the Garden of Gethsemane. And in a way, I was betrayed with a kiss too. No I was not going to die for the sins of mankind, but I now really know what it must have felt like for Jesus.

I think I am just now starting to realize what it is to be single again. I haven't been single since I was 18 so it takes some getting used to. It's not all bad. Especially when you have friends that are single too, who can share with you in this stage of life. And I am drawing closer to Christ, which is great. 

So I definitely did not see my life turning out this way at all. It's painful and I hate it. But sometimes you just have to embrace the pain and wait it out. Maybe God just really wanted to get my attention. Heaven knows He's got it for sure now. 

I get discouraged sometimes, being back in the waiting period, but I know God has a plan. And it will come about in His time. I am anxious to see what He is going to do.