I come home after a long day of working with kids, I am alone in my room and I start to think. Dwelling on what has occurred in the past couple of months in my life. And then the tears come. I can't stop them; they seem to overflow out of my broken heart and through my eyes.
I spend the whole day with friends talking, laughing, and having a great time. And yet almost the moment I am alone my mind goes back to almost 3 months ago when my life was turned upside down. And the tears come again. People told me it would get better with time. And it's starting to. I am crying less. But I am still crying.
I still don't think there has been a full day that I haven't cried over the situation since it occurred. And yet some days, I only cry for less than a minute. I suppose that's a start in the right direction. And I am starting to cry again over other things and not just that. The stuff I always cried about before is creeping back into my thoughts. I find that I am alright with that.
I am definitely not 100% yet. I have my moments. Good ones and not so good ones. Times when I am put together and times when I break down and I am a mess. I act like it's going great with just about everyone. Like I am okay with how things have turned out. But I'm not.
A lot of times I just want things to go back to the way they were before. I just want the pain to go away forever. I want the events reversed and I want to start over. And yet it doesn't work like that. I find myself almost feeling selfish for even wanting that. Because, I know that God is doing a work in me. A work that needs to be done in order for me to be all He wants me to be.
He has opened my eyes to how things really were and how easily I was blinded. He has opened my eyes to who I really was and that's the hardest thing. To come face to face with my prideful, selfish, disobedient self hurts. To think that I failed God cuts me to the core. And I cry all over again.
He has shown me that even though the change is painful, it was necessary. Am I actually admitting that? This pain is a piece of the puzzle. It's a part of His master plan. I don't understand it, by any means. But He does. And that's all that matters.
I am walking through the valley, but I think I am beginning to see the other side of it. This doesn't mean I am going to stop crying. The tears still come. And yet I always know where to turn when the faucet is turned back on. I immediately go to my Savior. The one who died for me, who sweat drops of blood for me, and who cares about me so much that He holds my heart. And it's there that I find beauty even through the tears. In His Arms.
I don't know what struggles you go through, reader. I don't know if you are on a mountain top right now in your life or in a valley. If you aren't in the valley right now, you remember a time when you were. You get discouraged, fearful, and sad sometimes too. And sometimes things happen to you that just bring on the tears. Don't try to hold them back. But let them wash over you just as His blood washed away your sins. And remember that Jesus Christ opens up His arms for you. He is your comforter, your shelter, and your shield in the storm. Go find beauty in the tears.
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