I get it. They see me in the halls with my class this year and probably talk to their co-workers behind my back. I have been guilty of doing it at times to others. And I want to just say I now apologize for anytime I felt like a teacher has terrible classroom management skills just because her kids don't walk quietly down the hall.
Earlier this week I just about had a mental breakdown. Because I know. I know every year, every class, every group of students is different. I have experienced this before. I tell myself this over and over. And yet somehow I feel as if the ship is sinking, I am drowning, and I am just having more weight piled on top of me. So many days I feel like I just can't win this thing. Everything that ever worked before isn't doing the trick. And I have dealt with students who threw computers at me, for goodness sakes!
I have always worked in private schools, except for when I worked as a para in a CBSA (self-contained ESE for those who don't know) classroom and when I subbed last year. I did my practicum at a private Christian school, I student-taught at a private Christian school, I taught at a private daycare with VPK for 2 years and then went on to teach Kindergarten and LOVED it at a local Christian private school. I remember loving going in to work every morning. I know what it's like to have a small class size, parents who truly invest in their children's education, and there isn't a test shoved at you every few weeks that has to be done. Not to mention the meetings I feel like they just want us to have every single day lately.
I feel like I am DROWNING. And I was told this was normal. That I would probably feel like that for years, especially in the beginning of the year. But I didn't feel like this my first year actually teaching. I repeat this in my mind and I feel guilty. Because I haven't loved going in to work every morning lately. My first year teaching was hard. There was a lot to do. I had to build everything from "scratch". I stayed at work late pretty much everyday. And yet, I genuinely loved getting up to go to work everyday. I want to feel like this again, I say, as tears run down my face. Because I love my students. And I love teaching. And I know you gave me these students Lord to help me be a better, stronger teacher. Yet some days I just feel like crying. Because, oh Lord, it's HARD.
These kids enter my classroom every single day. Some of them dealing with very "adult" emotions and situations, but not really knowing how to handle that. I have no idea what they have been through before they walk through my door. Sometimes students will come in crying and my heart just skips a beat, I hug them briefly and help them get started with our day. So many times I find myself praying in my head, "Dear, Lord how am I going to teach them today? I feel like maybe all I can do is love them today. I don't feel like I am reaching them with the lessons. They aren't here, their mind is elsewhere." And my heart hurts.
I have lost sleep, prayed and cried over my classroom for the past couple of weeks. And then tonight as I was praying, I know it was God who whispered to me, "Why are you trying to make your work harder. Why not work smarter?" and I was led to research some different classroom management skills when it comes to Reading groups. Reading groups is very new to me. I did center time with the class I taught before, but it was with 10 students who were more or less on the same level (with the exception of 1-2 students). This year I have 13 students and since they are on all different levels, it feels sometimes like I have 20 (ha!). Therefore, the methods I used before were not working for my group this year.
And so I am wide awake on a Friday night at almost 2 am because I ordered some new items off of Amazon and I am doing Reading Centers and Math Groups completely different next week. It's going to allow the kids more choice, but still keep them engaged and learning. And it's hopefully going to cut down on the interruptions from students coming up to me at Teacher Table for every. single. little. thing. And yes, I have said "Are you bleeding? Throwing up? Did someone physically hurt you?" "No...oh ok, well goodbye."Then, I point to the light and tell them I will not speak to them unless it is an emergency while I am working with my group at Teacher Table. At one time I was told I would get another helper in my classroom for a bit during my Reading groups. That would be a huge help if that ever happens. But I'm not going to hold my breath.
So for now a better center pocket chart for the kids to manage rotating themselves (without me having to tell them where they go every time) and center tubs are going to be my new best friends. Plenty of engaging learning activities for them to do. More choices for them. Still learning. No bored or confused kids who don't know what to do. Therefore, less behavior problems. Well I am hoping and praying!
Oh and for walking in the hall? I am going to start using sticker incentive charts that I laminate, hang up, and let them color in the circles on it with a dry erase maker. One way they will get to earn "points" to do a Fun Friday activity will be to walk quietly and correctly in the hallway. I came up with that on my own. I really like positive reinforcement. As if you can't tell from my Treasure Box on Fridays, my Reading Calendar Prizes at the end of the month for them reading at home and turning in their calendars, and later in the year my math store where they earn math bucks by doing homework, good grades on tests etc. and can spend it in the "math store". The catch is they have to tell me how much change I owe them. They have to use adding and subtracting to figure out how much they need and how much they will get back. I provide them a dry erase board and marker to do this and I let them have a time to "shop" on Fridays during Math Groups time or early in the morning before the tardy bell rings.
This teaching job is not for the weary. It's always changing. It's going from private to public school and pretty much feel like you are starting all over from scratch again. It's losing sleep. It's overthinking every.thing. It's stressing out over evaluations, because you haven't really experienced them before like this. It's wondering if the learning goals you have written are correct or if you should be writing more of them down. It's spending 3-4 hours on your lesson plans and still not being done, because you can't think of higher order thinking questions for every single thing you do or find the standards to match the lessons.
But at the end of the day, I know my students are learning. I am seeing progress. It may be slower than I want it to be with some. But they are catching some of it! I seriously love my job. I just needed to be reminded of the joy that can come with teaching tonight, or rather this morning. I am super excited to start centers on Monday!!!
But for now, I am going to get some rest and enjoy a little bit of my weekend. Because this teacher needs a BREAK! ;)
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