Birthday Blues...

It's almost 2 am. I'm wide awake. Can't sleep. Thinking. Excited thoughts. Then thinking some more. Overthinking. And the dread that fills me every year comes.

How many years has it been? Since the first one you let me down? Quite a bit. But sometimes the hurt still feels like yesterday. Because every year on my birthday, I never forget.

It's my birthday. And I love it. I celebrate. Have fun with loved ones, get gifts from friends. It's so special. But in the very back of my mind, I can't help it, I yearn for your approval, your love. Because to be honest, I never really had it.

How many birthdays did I have where I longed to see you? To hear from you? Or to get something more than some gift you might hang over my head later or something that I felt was a guilt gift? Too many.

Sometimes things bring me back. I accidentally broke something today cleaning and instantly my mind was jarred back. Back to a time when I was just aiming to please you. You gave me gifts, but empty promises. Your words meant nothing. My compassionate heart just couldn't wrap my mind around it. Because it hurt more than anything. I just wanted you to love me.

But your actions never showed that. So I broke something today or rather yesterday now and my mind travels back. Back to when I was 9 or 10. Once again hurt by your lies and empty promises. Words spoken, but never acted upon. My torn, 9 year old heart was shattered. I didn't get why a father would treat someone that way. I cried. I got mad.

In a fit one day. After you had once again broken a promise and told me I was lying, I shut the door hard in my room. I grabbed the last gift you had given me. Some rock necklace and I tore it apart, quick and fast. Watched the rocks fly everywhere as the necklace broke. And collapsed on the floor, crying, letting the rocks dig in a bit to my knees. And I scooped them up and put them in a bag.

And I put them in a box. And somewhere deep in my closet they are still there. A symbol of hopes that never came true. So when I broke something tonight, I don't know why. But my mind went there. I dropped to the floor and cried. I miss you. Not really you, but more the thought of what I always longed you to be.

I tried countless times over and over. But like that necklace, it just was broken pieces bundled up. Couldn't be fixed. And I cry and yell at God why?! Why can some things not be fixed this side of heaven? I don't really know. I just know that sometimes you just have to live with the broken pieces and some things will never be whole. And it quite simply stinks.

Every birthday, every Christmas, every time I really looked for you. You were not there. And even if you were, you weren't fully there. You showered us with material things. But I never wanted that. You didn't ever really put much thought into them. And you would make us feel guilty if anything ever happened to an item you bought us, even if it was an accident. So I hid that necklace back then and still have it hidden now.

I didn't want the material things. I just wanted you. I wanted you to pick me up and swing me in your arms like other dads did. I wanted you to dance with me. I wanted you to tell me how proud you were of me. Instead your words were empty and meaningless, they had no heart. I wanted your time. Not a pity gift or something to be held over my head.

Every birthday, in the back of my mind....I wonder if you ever think of me. I hope and pray you are doing ok. But I know I made the right choice in setting boundaries and saying bye to you in a way. But I will never stop yearning for a dad who cares about me truly for just who I am. And I'm so beyond thankful I have a heavenly Father who more than makes up for the lack.

No matter how old, every girl longs for a loving daddy. And one day when I have a little girl ( or so I hope) I'm going to make sure she has the best dad ever. Who dances with her. Makes her smile. Tells her she's beautiful. And gives her the gift of himself.