A Song for Sunday: "I'll Find You"

I go about my day greeting those I meet with a smile and sometimes a hug. I accomplish what I need to do. I am doing life. But what many people don't know is what they can't see behind the mask I don at times.

What many don't know is that I struggle with this thing called depression.

I mean I think we all struggle with it a little bit from time to time. But most people don't know that I have spent hours in my bedroom crying, depressed and in a fog. That I have fought myself to get out of the bed some mornings. That I have been in deep, dark pits where I lay on my bed and ask for God to take me.

And that's why this song called "I'll Find You" by Lecrae and Tori Kelly hits deep with me. This song is about holding on a little longer when the night is creeping in and death may be knocking on the front door.

Depression is real. People commit suicide every day. I mean even I have contemplated it at times. And no one likes to talk about it. Because it's not pretty. It's messy. And dark. And hard. But it's real.

And it needs to be talked about. Because those who struggle the most with depression and thoughts of suicide have it in their head that they are alone in this struggle. Yet they are not alone. Countless others deal with the same struggles, the same hardships.

And the pain may cut deep. It may hurt like nothing you have ever experienced before. Yet, would you believe that it's all worth it in the end?

I didn't at first. I would be stuck in these dark and hard circumstances, pleading with God to just take me out of this world. I would say to Him "I don't want to do this anymore. It's too hard". I remember one night I was telling Him this and I heard within myself a voice in response saying "I know, child. It was hard for me when I went to the cross." And I was like gosh, pierce my heart why don't you?  The point had been made. My trials were nothing in comparison to the cross and the fact my Savior was rejected by His Father due to bearing the weight of the sins of the world.

But even knowing that doesn't always just make the depression go away. It lurks in the corners of my life at times, just waiting to come out. It surprises me when I least expect it. So like Lecrae pens in his song "I'm smilin' in everyone's face. I'm cryin' whenever they leave the room." This is because "they don't know the battle I face". 

So yes, the world is trying to play with my soul and I am just trying my best to trust in Jesus. Through the smiles, the tears, the laughter and the pain. Satan wants to have his way with me. Circumstances come about in my life that are harsh and painful. I want to pray them away or pray myself out;  out of the situation or out of the world. This pain is deep. It's so very real. And it's scary. 

Yet, the lyrics that ring so true with me in this song are:

"They say fear haunts

And pain hates

I say pain strengthens

And fear drives faith."

This sounds strange at first. Like how can fear actually drive faith? However, I know for sure that it is my pain and my fears that drive me to God. I draw closer to Him when I feel like all hope is lost. The pain makes me stronger. And I don't know why I have gone through the many hard circumstances I have had to walk through. But God used them all to bring me closer, to strengthen my faith. And well I don't think I would be where I am spiritually if I hadn't walked through the fire many times. 

So the next few lines from Lecrae's song becomes a sort of heart cry and prayer for me: 

" I don't know all of the outcomes

Don't know what happens tomorrow

But when that ocean of doubt comes

Don't let me drown in my sorrow".

The ocean of doubt will come. It always does. I feel often like I don't measure up. Like I am too much for people or simply not enough. But I know my God won't let me drown in my sorrow. He's the one who rescued me from myself many times. The one who urged me to lift my head out of the water on one of my lowest nights when I just wanted to sink under the water and not come back up. 

On the nights I had convinced myself that the world would be better off without me in it, He rescued me and convinced me it was worth me trying at least one more day. His love has always rescued me. It has given me purpose. It has given me worth. And it has given me life. 

So no matter what you are going through, hold on a little longer my friend. I know it sounds strange, but yes it's all worth it in the end. Just hold on and God will find you. Let Him rescue you from yourself. 

Check out Lecrae's song "I'll Find You" in this lyric video with the link below: 

I'll Find You Lyric Video