A Song for Sunday: "When I'm With You"

I am not sure why we think we have to put on a brave face for others all the time. I am not sure why I used to think I had to act like I had it all together in front of everyone else, even when everything in my life was crumbling around me. And I could do nothing to stop it. 

I used to do this. I tried to hide it all. I even tried to hide it from God. As if I could do such a thing. I would feel horrible, crying my eyes out in my room and tell myself "crying is going to get you no where. Now just stop it" As if that actually works, ha! And I didn't like to let people know that I was struggling, that I was not "perfect" all the time. I guess I didn't want them to know that *gasp* I was human. 

But then something shifted. My fiance of about 4 years (we dated for 5) out of the blue broke up with me. The heartbreak was like nothing I have ever felt before. I was, well there's really no other way to put this...I was a mess. I sat in church that Sunday with a sweet family I was close to. They had graciously let me crash at their house the night before and to please not watch any romance movies, haha. We watched movies, laughed, talked, and they just let me cry. And I never cried much in front of anyone. But I did there. 

And then my friend turned to me during one of the songs or maybe after the sermon and asked the question I always somewhat dreaded. "Are you ok?" I was sobbing at this point and it's pretty obvious I'm not ok. However, I used to just say yeah I'm fine and move on. I will never forget the time I looked at her and said "you know what? I'm not ok". Then she looked at me with this scared look on her face like, um I don't know what to say to that. I may have scared her a little bit or shocked her. But then I know it was God who stirred within my heart when I turned to her and said the next words "But I will be".

I didn't know when I would be ok. I honestly didn't think I would ever really be "ok" again. But did I want to be? Something shifted in me that day.

I felt almost a weight come off of me. And I was like you know what? I don't care what people think who see me right now. I just don't care. I am a mess. My heart feels like it's broken into a million pieces. And I just can't slap a smile on right now and pretend everything is just lovely. 

And that felt amazing. Freeing, really. For once I had decided to just be honest with someone, to not try to cover up my pain. And then I realized God doesn't want me to do that with Him either. Especially not with Him. 

That's why the song "When I'm With You" by Citizen Way speaks so to my heart. I am never too much for my Lord to handle. And gosh that's such a beautiful thing.

Because I know I am too much for some people. I know my sarcasm and my crazy antics probably drive some people absolutely crazy. I know some people see me and are like "Gosh do I have to talk to that girl again?" They don't say it, but I can see it written all over their face. 

And yet God looks at me. Me. A low, dirty sinner. In all my mess. And does He walk away? Or say uh no I don't really want to deal with this today? Never. Gosh, I sure would. I would be like yeah that's just too much of a mess for me to deal with. 

But "every hurt, every scar, every secret" He just loves me.  So everything is not always fine and I am not always ok. But I can always come to Him this way. And He meets me there. That's just so beautiful to me.

I think we need to stop trying to put on this show of trying to have it all together when we don't. Because you know what people really need? They need something real. People ache for it. They search for answers in all kinds of things, but only the things that are real and true really satisfy. People need to know that no, nobody has it all together. We are all sinners in desperate need of a loving God to scoop us up and make this mess a masterpiece for His glory.

I don't have to pretend with God. So why in the world should I have to pretend to others? You just never know who may need to hear about what you are going through or have been through. Because you never know who is secretly also walking through the fire and needs to hear some words of hope and truth today. You never know who is walking around, tired of acting like everything is just fine when everything is in pieces.

You never know who needs to be told that with God "there's only love, there's only grace." No matter what mess they find themselves in, they can know that there is no need for walls. And when you start letting your walls come down, it's extremely hard but it's one of the most beautiful feelings of freedom. 

Check out this link for the lyric video of "When I'm With You" by Citizen Way below. 

"When I'm With You" lyric video