Not Single, Free

51 days. 51 days until I turn 28. 2 years from 30. 5 years ago my life was so different. I was "attached". I had a serious boyfriend. And then 3 years ago, after 1 year of being "unattached" I tried it again and it didn't last very long. Just didn't work out. 

And the thoughts start turning. What if it's just never going to work out? What if I had one chance and I blew it? What if this is God's way of punishing me? 

All around me I see images of what my life is supposed to look like. Either career crazy or having a family-life. I don't have either, so what exactly does that make me?

Am I somehow unlovable by the opposite sex? Am I incomplete? Am I somehow...broken? 

We live in a "couple-crazy" society. It's in the books. The movies. On the covers of magazines. "Is He Really Into You?" "Are you compatible?" "Get Him to Notice You" are headlines we read in magazines. And somehow we are fed this line that with a guy we are complete and without one, well we are just single, lonely, and adrift on a sea of dashed dreams. 

I, for one, am tired of the questions and what people say. They may mean well, but meanwhile I am left over here feeling like I am somehow not good enough because I don't have a guy. Like having a guy is going to be some magical key that instantly completes me and causes these paint blotches to turn into a beautiful work of art. 

And yet it goes on.

 "How in the world can a beautiful girl like you still be single? What's wrong with those boys?"- I don't know. You tell me. But trust me, I now feel like something is wrong with me, not them. 

"Don't have a boyfriend yet? Oh well...your time will come"- oh so I can't have a time at all until I have a guy. Gee. Thanks a lot.  

"I met this guy and I think he would be just perfect for you!" - Gee, why don't you please go on about how I am a complete failure at finding my own guy? 

"Well you know, God will bring someone in His timing."- sure that sounds nice, but what if He doesn't want to bring someone? Or I am left wondering why in the world has God made me wait this long and who would He be so cruel? 

Or the lovely things that mostly the older people tell me, some who are in pretty loveless marriages I might add.

"You still don't have a boyfriend? Well girl, you know you aren't getting any younger."- Wow, I had no idea I got older each year. Thanks so much for enlightening me. And thanks for making me feel like a complete and utter failure for being single at my age. 

The thing is...why in the world is it portrayed that without a guy I am somehow broken?

I mean if I am broken, by the world's standards, then I think I kind of like it.

So many girls just choose to settle. Because they buy into the line that to be complete, to be something in this world, they need a guy. And so they struggle in love-less marriages sometimes, sitting pretty in a cage full of beautiful things. And yet their heart is in chains. Complete? I think not. They settle for less than God's best for them, because they are just so scared of being alone and are tired of what people say. 

Don't get me wrong, I dream of true love just like any girl and want that for myself one day. But that day is not today. And you know what? I don't really care. Sure I want that. I want a great godly guy. I want a family. But I am not somehow less because I don't have a guy. So please stop making me feel that way. 

I actually resent the world single. I mean it's so bland. It's like a weighted "curse word" or something in our society. It has a negative connotation. I prefer the word free.

I am free, because I don't need a guy to be satisfied. Or to be complete. I just need God. He is more than enough. 

So I may not be "attached" right now, but please don't ask me about it. If I want to talk to you about it, I will. But most of the time, I am just busy living life. So please just let me live it. And please, please, please think about what you are going to say before saying it. If you have any doubts about how it could be taken, then just keep it to yourself. 

This is my life. Not yours. I may not live it the way you want me to, but I need to live it my way. My life may not look like yours or what's in movies or magazines, but that's OK. Just let me be free....free to be me.