Change. My life used to be a constant swirl of it. It was unpredictable, ever-flowing and relentless. I had no control over it whatsoever. We seldom do. But this was not normal.
I never knew what aspect of life was going to hit me that day. Or what type of person or personality type would walk through the door. Or if I would be comforting a parent again that night. Or being yelled at. Or having the empty silence of absence.
I became a type of control freak when it came to school. My grades and my academics I did have a say over. I didn't have a say over anything else in my life. So it felt good to push myself hard into the books and excel in school.
Looking back on my past and my childhood experiences, it's not hard to see why I have such a difficult time with big changes in my life.
It used to be worse. I am getting much better, by the grace of God. Thank goodness, I no longer have the bouts of sleepless nights and getting sick over worry right before a big change occurred.
But I still have a difficult time with big changes. I cope with them the best I know how. But I was never really taught the proper way to deal with them, so sometimes my performance at dealing is sub-par at best.
Change can be a good thing. But when too many changes are thrown at me all at once, I feel like I am drowning and I can't breathe. I know I just need time to get my bearings. I want to ease into the change and the adjustments of life. I hate being tossed in a sea of it, with the tempests seeming to crash over my head.
And yet sometimes God allows me to be thrown into the sea of change. I'm not always sure why. Maybe it's to teach me that I need to rely on Him more. Maybe it's to show me that even when I act like I have it all together, that I really don't. And that, that's ok. Sometimes I have to just lay my head back, push my body up and float on the tempests. Ride out the waves of change and let it carry me where it will.
Because sometimes God is trying to take me somewhere I would not normally go on my own. But it's somewhere I need to be. To either touch someone else's life or have someone touch mine. Or maybe both. And it can be a beautiful thing. Like the calm and stillness after a raging storm. And usually the worst raging storm is inside of me, wanting to fight against all the change.
And most importantly, I think God allows all the change to come to remind me that I am not in control. I, in my flesh, love to be in control. But it's He, who allows the change, guides the seas, and directs my life, who is in control of it all.
So Lord break down my sinful heart and my pride. Help me not to rely on my own strength. But to remember that only with You I am strong. Let me embrace the changes as they come if they are of You. Help me not to fight against the tide, but to ride it out and see where the journey will take me.
Tuesday, June 23, 2020
Thursday, June 4, 2020
Your Life Matters...
The darkest day in history....believe it or not was not right now.
Not with all the viruses, the media propaganda, the natural disasters, people's hearts turning more wicked, sin running rampant, the violence, the riots and the cry for peace.
It was a day more than 2,000 years ago. When the curtain was torn and the earth fell still.
Because the greatest man who ever walked this earth gave up His life for yours and mine.
Think about that for just a minute.Turn off the news. Get off the Social Media. Be still and just think.
That body hung cursed on a tree. The one who did no wrong. It was bruised and broken for a bruised and broken world.
Can you hear the hammer? With each bang, the nails were driven further into His hands, His feet.
And I'm going to say what some people may not like to hear, but what God has revealed to me in the past.
Jesus died for everyone. Will the cop who killed George Floyd be judged? Yes. And even if you think the judgment is not fair on earth, the judgement that really matters is to come. But would Jesus welcome him into His kingdom if this cop were to repent? Absolutely.
And that may anger you. Gosh it used to make me upset that men and women who do horrible things could be forgiven so freely and accepted so lovingly by a Savior who is so much better than I am.
Yet we need to remember that God died for the very people who drove the nails through His hands. He died for the slave owners of the past who beat people senseless. He died for the people in the medical field that are corrupt. He died for the cops that are corrupt. He died for, dare I say it, the SS Guards and the Nazis who participated and aided in killing millions of people just for their race, their religion,their political view or more.
These people will be judged by a just and loving God, just like you and me. He will look at their hearts and He will look for true repentance. No matter what they have done, He will welcome them freely if they truly repent. And only God knows this.
So yes, injustice is happening right now. But, reader, it's been happening since the beginning of time. When sin crept in; and the black stain only grows bigger over time. This is a scary world and everyone cries out for peace, peace. But I'm sorry to break it to you, we aren't going to get that this side of heaven.
What happens to the black community is awful. God hears their cries as He heard the cries of His people in Egypt. People, like Pharaoh, can have hardened hearts. And this world is only going to get darker and darker as the groans of sin echo throughout the earth. And all creation will moan for renewal and a new earth. That will come.
I really think it's going to happen in my lifetime, but only God knows the time. Our days shall become like the days of Noah and then He will come. He promised He would come back and He will. If you are a child of His, this should delight you. If you aren't, this should scare you.
Because no matter what injustice takes place this side of heaven. No matter what pain or torment you are put through. Nothing and I mean NOTHING compares to an eternity separated from the One who gave up His life so you could truly find yours if you wanted to.
So no matter who you are. No matter what race, religion, ethnicity, culture, upbringing, gender....God died for you. And on the cross His death shouted it out to a deaf world....that you.....are loved and that your life matters. No matter what you have done. He is still big enough to cleanse all unrighteousness.
I look to Him as the righteous and just Judge. And I also remind my racing heart over and over as tears pour down my face that He died for these people too. And I should be praying for them and gathering not in protest, but in prayer. And that.... my friends, can be a very hard thing to do.
Not with all the viruses, the media propaganda, the natural disasters, people's hearts turning more wicked, sin running rampant, the violence, the riots and the cry for peace.
It was a day more than 2,000 years ago. When the curtain was torn and the earth fell still.
Because the greatest man who ever walked this earth gave up His life for yours and mine.
Think about that for just a minute.Turn off the news. Get off the Social Media. Be still and just think.
That body hung cursed on a tree. The one who did no wrong. It was bruised and broken for a bruised and broken world.
Can you hear the hammer? With each bang, the nails were driven further into His hands, His feet.
And I'm going to say what some people may not like to hear, but what God has revealed to me in the past.
Jesus died for everyone. Will the cop who killed George Floyd be judged? Yes. And even if you think the judgment is not fair on earth, the judgement that really matters is to come. But would Jesus welcome him into His kingdom if this cop were to repent? Absolutely.
And that may anger you. Gosh it used to make me upset that men and women who do horrible things could be forgiven so freely and accepted so lovingly by a Savior who is so much better than I am.
Yet we need to remember that God died for the very people who drove the nails through His hands. He died for the slave owners of the past who beat people senseless. He died for the people in the medical field that are corrupt. He died for the cops that are corrupt. He died for, dare I say it, the SS Guards and the Nazis who participated and aided in killing millions of people just for their race, their religion,their political view or more.
These people will be judged by a just and loving God, just like you and me. He will look at their hearts and He will look for true repentance. No matter what they have done, He will welcome them freely if they truly repent. And only God knows this.
So yes, injustice is happening right now. But, reader, it's been happening since the beginning of time. When sin crept in; and the black stain only grows bigger over time. This is a scary world and everyone cries out for peace, peace. But I'm sorry to break it to you, we aren't going to get that this side of heaven.
What happens to the black community is awful. God hears their cries as He heard the cries of His people in Egypt. People, like Pharaoh, can have hardened hearts. And this world is only going to get darker and darker as the groans of sin echo throughout the earth. And all creation will moan for renewal and a new earth. That will come.
I really think it's going to happen in my lifetime, but only God knows the time. Our days shall become like the days of Noah and then He will come. He promised He would come back and He will. If you are a child of His, this should delight you. If you aren't, this should scare you.
Because no matter what injustice takes place this side of heaven. No matter what pain or torment you are put through. Nothing and I mean NOTHING compares to an eternity separated from the One who gave up His life so you could truly find yours if you wanted to.
So no matter who you are. No matter what race, religion, ethnicity, culture, upbringing, gender....God died for you. And on the cross His death shouted it out to a deaf world....that you.....are loved and that your life matters. No matter what you have done. He is still big enough to cleanse all unrighteousness.
I look to Him as the righteous and just Judge. And I also remind my racing heart over and over as tears pour down my face that He died for these people too. And I should be praying for them and gathering not in protest, but in prayer. And that.... my friends, can be a very hard thing to do.
Saturday, May 16, 2020
Birthday Blues...
It's almost 2 am. I'm wide awake. Can't sleep. Thinking. Excited thoughts. Then thinking some more. Overthinking. And the dread that fills me every year comes.
How many years has it been? Since the first one you let me down? Quite a bit. But sometimes the hurt still feels like yesterday. Because every year on my birthday, I never forget.
It's my birthday. And I love it. I celebrate. Have fun with loved ones, get gifts from friends. It's so special. But in the very back of my mind, I can't help it, I yearn for your approval, your love. Because to be honest, I never really had it.
How many birthdays did I have where I longed to see you? To hear from you? Or to get something more than some gift you might hang over my head later or something that I felt was a guilt gift? Too many.
Sometimes things bring me back. I accidentally broke something today cleaning and instantly my mind was jarred back. Back to a time when I was just aiming to please you. You gave me gifts, but empty promises. Your words meant nothing. My compassionate heart just couldn't wrap my mind around it. Because it hurt more than anything. I just wanted you to love me.
But your actions never showed that. So I broke something today or rather yesterday now and my mind travels back. Back to when I was 9 or 10. Once again hurt by your lies and empty promises. Words spoken, but never acted upon. My torn, 9 year old heart was shattered. I didn't get why a father would treat someone that way. I cried. I got mad.
In a fit one day. After you had once again broken a promise and told me I was lying, I shut the door hard in my room. I grabbed the last gift you had given me. Some rock necklace and I tore it apart, quick and fast. Watched the rocks fly everywhere as the necklace broke. And collapsed on the floor, crying, letting the rocks dig in a bit to my knees. And I scooped them up and put them in a bag.
And I put them in a box. And somewhere deep in my closet they are still there. A symbol of hopes that never came true. So when I broke something tonight, I don't know why. But my mind went there. I dropped to the floor and cried. I miss you. Not really you, but more the thought of what I always longed you to be.
I tried countless times over and over. But like that necklace, it just was broken pieces bundled up. Couldn't be fixed. And I cry and yell at God why?! Why can some things not be fixed this side of heaven? I don't really know. I just know that sometimes you just have to live with the broken pieces and some things will never be whole. And it quite simply stinks.
Every birthday, every Christmas, every time I really looked for you. You were not there. And even if you were, you weren't fully there. You showered us with material things. But I never wanted that. You didn't ever really put much thought into them. And you would make us feel guilty if anything ever happened to an item you bought us, even if it was an accident. So I hid that necklace back then and still have it hidden now.
I didn't want the material things. I just wanted you. I wanted you to pick me up and swing me in your arms like other dads did. I wanted you to dance with me. I wanted you to tell me how proud you were of me. Instead your words were empty and meaningless, they had no heart. I wanted your time. Not a pity gift or something to be held over my head.
Every birthday, in the back of my mind....I wonder if you ever think of me. I hope and pray you are doing ok. But I know I made the right choice in setting boundaries and saying bye to you in a way. But I will never stop yearning for a dad who cares about me truly for just who I am. And I'm so beyond thankful I have a heavenly Father who more than makes up for the lack.
No matter how old, every girl longs for a loving daddy. And one day when I have a little girl ( or so I hope) I'm going to make sure she has the best dad ever. Who dances with her. Makes her smile. Tells her she's beautiful. And gives her the gift of himself.
How many years has it been? Since the first one you let me down? Quite a bit. But sometimes the hurt still feels like yesterday. Because every year on my birthday, I never forget.
It's my birthday. And I love it. I celebrate. Have fun with loved ones, get gifts from friends. It's so special. But in the very back of my mind, I can't help it, I yearn for your approval, your love. Because to be honest, I never really had it.
How many birthdays did I have where I longed to see you? To hear from you? Or to get something more than some gift you might hang over my head later or something that I felt was a guilt gift? Too many.
Sometimes things bring me back. I accidentally broke something today cleaning and instantly my mind was jarred back. Back to a time when I was just aiming to please you. You gave me gifts, but empty promises. Your words meant nothing. My compassionate heart just couldn't wrap my mind around it. Because it hurt more than anything. I just wanted you to love me.
But your actions never showed that. So I broke something today or rather yesterday now and my mind travels back. Back to when I was 9 or 10. Once again hurt by your lies and empty promises. Words spoken, but never acted upon. My torn, 9 year old heart was shattered. I didn't get why a father would treat someone that way. I cried. I got mad.
In a fit one day. After you had once again broken a promise and told me I was lying, I shut the door hard in my room. I grabbed the last gift you had given me. Some rock necklace and I tore it apart, quick and fast. Watched the rocks fly everywhere as the necklace broke. And collapsed on the floor, crying, letting the rocks dig in a bit to my knees. And I scooped them up and put them in a bag.
And I put them in a box. And somewhere deep in my closet they are still there. A symbol of hopes that never came true. So when I broke something tonight, I don't know why. But my mind went there. I dropped to the floor and cried. I miss you. Not really you, but more the thought of what I always longed you to be.
I tried countless times over and over. But like that necklace, it just was broken pieces bundled up. Couldn't be fixed. And I cry and yell at God why?! Why can some things not be fixed this side of heaven? I don't really know. I just know that sometimes you just have to live with the broken pieces and some things will never be whole. And it quite simply stinks.
Every birthday, every Christmas, every time I really looked for you. You were not there. And even if you were, you weren't fully there. You showered us with material things. But I never wanted that. You didn't ever really put much thought into them. And you would make us feel guilty if anything ever happened to an item you bought us, even if it was an accident. So I hid that necklace back then and still have it hidden now.
I didn't want the material things. I just wanted you. I wanted you to pick me up and swing me in your arms like other dads did. I wanted you to dance with me. I wanted you to tell me how proud you were of me. Instead your words were empty and meaningless, they had no heart. I wanted your time. Not a pity gift or something to be held over my head.
Every birthday, in the back of my mind....I wonder if you ever think of me. I hope and pray you are doing ok. But I know I made the right choice in setting boundaries and saying bye to you in a way. But I will never stop yearning for a dad who cares about me truly for just who I am. And I'm so beyond thankful I have a heavenly Father who more than makes up for the lack.
No matter how old, every girl longs for a loving daddy. And one day when I have a little girl ( or so I hope) I'm going to make sure she has the best dad ever. Who dances with her. Makes her smile. Tells her she's beautiful. And gives her the gift of himself.
Sunday, May 10, 2020
Your eyes only
I get it. I say things I don't even realize how they sound. Till you get upset and then I'm like what the crap did I just do?!
I'm extremely loyal. But I hate making people upset. Like big time. So yes I know I'm annoying with the phone calls and texts but it's like I'm grasping. So afraid of you walking out the door. I don't really think you will, but in the back of my mind it nags at me. I repress it as much as I can. Tell it to go away.
The lies whisper in my ear. That I'm not good enough. That no one would ever want to stick around. I shake my head hard and tears pour down my cheeks.
I hate conflict of any kind. I want to rush in and fix things when I know sometimes you just need your space and I want to do better at that. I honestly do.
Sometimes I just don't know how. I just want to keep the peace. To make you happy.
I'm difficult. I'm needy at times. But I promise you I am loyal to the core. I would never say something to intentionally hurt you. At least not most of the time. Because well, I am human.
You are a good man. More than I ever could deserve. And you are so refreshing. I love how you treat me. The way you make me feel. And how you value my opinion and thoughts.
I haven't had that like ever. And that speaks volumes to me. Please be patient with me. I'm learming. I'm navigating this thing called an actual healthy relationship and it's dauntinng, exciting, wonderful, a little scary and new. Mostly it's wonderful and exciting.
I'm dedicated, kind, loving. But I can be cruel sometimes without even realizing it. I can be vile. I mean we all can. I seriously want nothing more than to grow and learn with you. You make me incredibly happy, you give my soul peace and the way we just clicked excites and scares me.
I apologize, a lot. I always felt like I was to blame for just about everything. But I want to do better. And I know with you I can. It's gonna take some time. I'm going to have to learn to chill and breathe. That you are the real deal and you're not going anywhere.
I promise you. If you give me a chance, I will love you like no other. It's a little early for that now. We are in the beginning stages. But underneath this soil of life, I feel a small seed starting to sprout. I think it's only going to grow more beautiful with time.
And honey, I can't wait to see what it's going to be 😘
I'm extremely loyal. But I hate making people upset. Like big time. So yes I know I'm annoying with the phone calls and texts but it's like I'm grasping. So afraid of you walking out the door. I don't really think you will, but in the back of my mind it nags at me. I repress it as much as I can. Tell it to go away.
The lies whisper in my ear. That I'm not good enough. That no one would ever want to stick around. I shake my head hard and tears pour down my cheeks.
I hate conflict of any kind. I want to rush in and fix things when I know sometimes you just need your space and I want to do better at that. I honestly do.
Sometimes I just don't know how. I just want to keep the peace. To make you happy.
I'm difficult. I'm needy at times. But I promise you I am loyal to the core. I would never say something to intentionally hurt you. At least not most of the time. Because well, I am human.
You are a good man. More than I ever could deserve. And you are so refreshing. I love how you treat me. The way you make me feel. And how you value my opinion and thoughts.
I haven't had that like ever. And that speaks volumes to me. Please be patient with me. I'm learming. I'm navigating this thing called an actual healthy relationship and it's dauntinng, exciting, wonderful, a little scary and new. Mostly it's wonderful and exciting.
I'm dedicated, kind, loving. But I can be cruel sometimes without even realizing it. I can be vile. I mean we all can. I seriously want nothing more than to grow and learn with you. You make me incredibly happy, you give my soul peace and the way we just clicked excites and scares me.
I apologize, a lot. I always felt like I was to blame for just about everything. But I want to do better. And I know with you I can. It's gonna take some time. I'm going to have to learn to chill and breathe. That you are the real deal and you're not going anywhere.
I promise you. If you give me a chance, I will love you like no other. It's a little early for that now. We are in the beginning stages. But underneath this soil of life, I feel a small seed starting to sprout. I think it's only going to grow more beautiful with time.
And honey, I can't wait to see what it's going to be 😘
Thursday, April 16, 2020
"You're gonna hear me ROAR." Child Abuse Prevention Month
April is Childhood Abuse Prevention Month. And this is a cause that means a lot to me. Because those who know even some of my story know that I was abused as a child. And that I speak up for any type of injustice towards children, because it's not right. AT. ALL.
No one ever should have to go through that. Especially not a child. Sometimes it's by family members. Sometimes it's by close friends. Most of the times, it is someone that the child knows. Usually very well.
It is NOT always physical. Sometimes it's psychological or verbal. And it is the worst thing to ever have to endure as a child who is trying to learn how to cope in this world.
My heart goes out to all the children stuck at home right now. When home is NOT their safe place. Where they can't go to their safe places which may have been school or a friend's house or the park or all of those places.
So yes keep your social distance, but if you notice anything. Anywhere. Speak up!! Be the advocate for the child. It's always better safe than sorry.
The signs may not be physical, but they can still be detected.
I will never ever forget the power I felt the day I could finally look in my abuser's eyes and say "I don't have to stay here. I can walk out."
As a child I could not do that. I felt like I had no voice. I was scared. I kept quiet. I covered up so very much. And it did nothing to help my mental health. At all!
I was forced to have to make very big decisions and choices for a little person. And a lot of times I just crawled into my shell and hid.
The day I looked my "attacker" in the eye and said flat out to that person, "You don't control me. I will not and never will again play these games. I get to choose whether you are truly in my life or not." It was like I was singing:
at the top of my lungs. And reader, it felt so very good! And just so you know I didn't have the courage to say that until I was in my 20's. So for years I endured stress and trauma from this person, and the impact they had on my mental and emotional health.
I will always, always stand up and fight for this. No child should be treated so poorly. EVER!
So be the voice for the children who can't speak up. Show them there is still people who love and care about them in this world. And that not everyone is a monster.
And shout out to all the teachers who made the classroom my safe place! You know who you are ;)
Don't be afraid. Get out there and roar. Speak up for justice. For the children.
No one ever should have to go through that. Especially not a child. Sometimes it's by family members. Sometimes it's by close friends. Most of the times, it is someone that the child knows. Usually very well.
It is NOT always physical. Sometimes it's psychological or verbal. And it is the worst thing to ever have to endure as a child who is trying to learn how to cope in this world.
My heart goes out to all the children stuck at home right now. When home is NOT their safe place. Where they can't go to their safe places which may have been school or a friend's house or the park or all of those places.
So yes keep your social distance, but if you notice anything. Anywhere. Speak up!! Be the advocate for the child. It's always better safe than sorry.
The signs may not be physical, but they can still be detected.
I will never ever forget the power I felt the day I could finally look in my abuser's eyes and say "I don't have to stay here. I can walk out."
As a child I could not do that. I felt like I had no voice. I was scared. I kept quiet. I covered up so very much. And it did nothing to help my mental health. At all!
I was forced to have to make very big decisions and choices for a little person. And a lot of times I just crawled into my shell and hid.
The day I looked my "attacker" in the eye and said flat out to that person, "You don't control me. I will not and never will again play these games. I get to choose whether you are truly in my life or not." It was like I was singing:
"I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter
Dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar."
at the top of my lungs. And reader, it felt so very good! And just so you know I didn't have the courage to say that until I was in my 20's. So for years I endured stress and trauma from this person, and the impact they had on my mental and emotional health.
I will always, always stand up and fight for this. No child should be treated so poorly. EVER!
So be the voice for the children who can't speak up. Show them there is still people who love and care about them in this world. And that not everyone is a monster.
And shout out to all the teachers who made the classroom my safe place! You know who you are ;)
Don't be afraid. Get out there and roar. Speak up for justice. For the children.
Sunday, March 29, 2020
An Open Letter to COVID-19
Dear COVID-19,
I don't like you.
I remember what my world was like before you.
I remember when stores were open.
When I could meet with my friends.
When I could go to the beach.
When I could shake hands or hug people.
You have robbed so many of us.
Of jobs.
School is closed.
We can't attend church.
That's the hardest for me.
Church online is great, but it just can't compare to the real thing.
I wake up some mornings and feel like it's just another day.
But then I remember you are here and everything has changed.
I can't go back to my normal job for a while.
Many people have lost their jobs, their livelihood.
I'm ok, because I have something else for right now.
But I grieve for those who struggle and need a job so bad.
Many can't go see loved ones, because they are older or in a hospital.
And some people are dying not even from the virus and their loved ones don't get to say goodbye.
And then others are dying from you.
People having babies can't have anyone in there with them besides the doctor and nurses.
I can't even imagine.
I feel like I'm stuck in the midst of some movie plot.
Like I woke up one morning and found myself in some Sci-Fi movie.
And I wonder...when will you go away?
But then, I see so many families outside.
More than ever before.
Families are eating dinner together.
People are coming "together" while staying apart to support local businesses.
Yes, people can be cruel.
But I have seen so many reach out in kindness.
Schools are stepping up to feed kids while school is out.
Teachers and principals are working their butts off to get this whole distance learning thing down.
People are checking on elderly neighbors and loved ones to do porch drop offs of groceries.
People are calling each other and talking, instead of just texting.
People are creating, organizing, cleaning and working on projects with their families.
COVID-19, you stink!
But we live in such a blessed age with technology and everything.
We can't physically be there with many.
But we can call them. We can video chat with them.
We can still be social, we just can't be physically close.
I may have to wave at a friend from 6 feet or more away.
But I can "hug" them in my heart.
I can't wait till you are gone.
I want my life to go back to normal.
I want the doctors and the nurses and the grocery store workers and the truckers and any one else really affected by this to get some rest.
I know they are exhausted. I know they work hard. I know they are fighting to keep us safe. And healthy. And fed.
I want teachers to be able to teach in the classroom again (myself included).
I want kids to be able to play sports and go to dance class or karate.
I want kids to have play dates again and go to the park and play on the equipment without fear of you.
I really want you to leave.
But I so hope we don't ever forget the moment we all slowed down a little and took time to spend with the ones we love at home.
For now I will stay home as much as I can and limit my outings.
I will practice social distancing.
But it's not without a heavy heart.
Sincerely,
Just a normal girl living in a very crazy world.
Sunday, March 15, 2020
To the two kids who saved my life...
A guy once told me as I was crying in his kitchen that the kids I worked with "needed me just as much as I needed them". It was definitely true. But I had no idea how it would ring more and more true in the days to come.
Because that guy who told me that was my fiance. And I didn't know he was going to break up with me later that day. After being together for 5 years. And thinking that he was the one I was going to marry and live the rest of my life with.
I met you the summer of 2014. I was instantly taken in by your smiles and unique personalities. I started being your nanny and we just clicked. You weren't my kids, but I felt like sometimes you were. You gave me purpose, you helped give my life meaning.
And when my world came crashing down around me, you gave me hope. Hope that it would get better in time. Hope that it would hurt less.
That time was tough for me. It was 2015, I hadn't even been with your family for a year yet. My heart was broken. I was depressed. I didn't know how to shake it. I didn't want to get out of bed. I honestly wanted to go to sleep and just not wake up. I even prayed for God to take me home to be with Him. Because this....this was too much.
But I got out of bed in the morning anyway. Because all I could think of is "there are two kids who need me after school today and I need to be ready for them". So I would come and pick you up from school, or wait for you to get off the bus, do homework with you, make snacks, do crafts and play.
And somehow along the way...you two healed my heart. In the midst of the crafts, the board games, the outside play time, the trips to the park etc the broken pieces of my heart began to come together. And I realized my purpose in life is not to get a guy. It's to work with children. In some capacity.
I feel more "at home" with you two then I do with many adults. I just get kids I guess. And when I was so beyond worried to teach.... Helping Tripp with his reading gave me the confidence to go teach Kindergarten. And I did awesome at it (in a private school).
Later when my life changed and I was paraprofessional for a CBSA classroom, you two were the bright lights in my day because I got to see you everyday after school. No matter how difficult the day was, you two always had a smile for me.
And more recently when I tried teaching in public school, then quit my job (something I have never done before) you two were so supportive and understanding. No judgment at all. And trust me, I was getting that from a lot of people. I kept worrying how you all would take it when I told you, but you two just said "oh ok" when I told you like it was no big deal that I was changing the whole course of my life again. And Tripp telling me I should be a professional baker, ha!
You may not ever realize what you two truly mean to me. But if one day you do ever read this, I want to say thank you. Thank you for saving my life. Because I was drowning in a sea of confusion, doubt and depression. And you threw me a lifesaver of hope. You helped me look at God and Jesus through your eyes as I told you about Him. And it was beautiful. There really is nothing like childlike faith.
You two are the reason I would get out of bed many mornings. You two are the reason I decided to pursue teaching. And you two are the reason why I am not afraid to follow my dreams and where God leads me.
You two are the reason I want to adopt a kid one day even if I don't get married. Because I always thought I wanted to get married and while that would be nice, I am realizing more and more that there is more than one type of love. And how great it is to be loved by a child. I am doubly blessed to be loved by two of them. And while an adopted child would not be a child of my own, I would treat them as my own and teach them about the great love Jesus has for us who has adopted us into His family.
I praise God for putting you two in my life. I love you two....to the moon and back times infinity. Thank you again for saving my life.
Because that guy who told me that was my fiance. And I didn't know he was going to break up with me later that day. After being together for 5 years. And thinking that he was the one I was going to marry and live the rest of my life with.
I met you the summer of 2014. I was instantly taken in by your smiles and unique personalities. I started being your nanny and we just clicked. You weren't my kids, but I felt like sometimes you were. You gave me purpose, you helped give my life meaning.
And when my world came crashing down around me, you gave me hope. Hope that it would get better in time. Hope that it would hurt less.
That time was tough for me. It was 2015, I hadn't even been with your family for a year yet. My heart was broken. I was depressed. I didn't know how to shake it. I didn't want to get out of bed. I honestly wanted to go to sleep and just not wake up. I even prayed for God to take me home to be with Him. Because this....this was too much.
But I got out of bed in the morning anyway. Because all I could think of is "there are two kids who need me after school today and I need to be ready for them". So I would come and pick you up from school, or wait for you to get off the bus, do homework with you, make snacks, do crafts and play.
And somehow along the way...you two healed my heart. In the midst of the crafts, the board games, the outside play time, the trips to the park etc the broken pieces of my heart began to come together. And I realized my purpose in life is not to get a guy. It's to work with children. In some capacity.
I feel more "at home" with you two then I do with many adults. I just get kids I guess. And when I was so beyond worried to teach.... Helping Tripp with his reading gave me the confidence to go teach Kindergarten. And I did awesome at it (in a private school).
Later when my life changed and I was paraprofessional for a CBSA classroom, you two were the bright lights in my day because I got to see you everyday after school. No matter how difficult the day was, you two always had a smile for me.
And more recently when I tried teaching in public school, then quit my job (something I have never done before) you two were so supportive and understanding. No judgment at all. And trust me, I was getting that from a lot of people. I kept worrying how you all would take it when I told you, but you two just said "oh ok" when I told you like it was no big deal that I was changing the whole course of my life again. And Tripp telling me I should be a professional baker, ha!
You may not ever realize what you two truly mean to me. But if one day you do ever read this, I want to say thank you. Thank you for saving my life. Because I was drowning in a sea of confusion, doubt and depression. And you threw me a lifesaver of hope. You helped me look at God and Jesus through your eyes as I told you about Him. And it was beautiful. There really is nothing like childlike faith.
You two are the reason I would get out of bed many mornings. You two are the reason I decided to pursue teaching. And you two are the reason why I am not afraid to follow my dreams and where God leads me.
You two are the reason I want to adopt a kid one day even if I don't get married. Because I always thought I wanted to get married and while that would be nice, I am realizing more and more that there is more than one type of love. And how great it is to be loved by a child. I am doubly blessed to be loved by two of them. And while an adopted child would not be a child of my own, I would treat them as my own and teach them about the great love Jesus has for us who has adopted us into His family.
I praise God for putting you two in my life. I love you two....to the moon and back times infinity. Thank you again for saving my life.
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